"Age doesn't matter, unless you're a cheese." Billie Burke
WOW! What an October. I want a years worth of these beautiful fall days. I imagine everyone is getting excited about Halloween. I have decided I will dress up as an old 68 year old fart. Wait, that is my everyday look. Oh well, why change? It is sure to scare the kids. Probably give them a complex.
Sue, my current wife, and I were rocking in the front porch swing. I turned and slapped her. Sue startled said, "What was that for?" I said, "For 40 years of bad sex!" I should have taken my meds, I think. My current wife said, "Oh," and continued rocking. A little bit later she reached over and slapped me. "For crying out loud what was that for?”I yelled. Sue curtly replied "For knowing the difference!" That's when the fight started.
Saw this on the internet so I thought I would share. An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."...And that's when the fight started.
The Winner of The WET T-SHIRT Contest:
And you were expecting...?! From me...?
"Now, Ms. Bailey," said the doctor, "you say you have shooting pains in your neck, dizziness, and constant nausea. Just for the record, how old are you?" "Why, I'm going to be 39 on my next birthday," my current wife replied indignantly. "Hmm," muttered the doctor, "Got a slight loss of memory, too."
Saturday started like any other Saturday except the Iowa Hawkeyes didn't lose. They had a bye this week. I decided it was time to fix the GFCI receptacle in the garage since it controls the outside outlet for the Christmas lights. Normally I would do this in December when it is 20 degrees below zero but I reasoned this to be a 15 to 30 minute job. It was 11:00 am, certainly I would be done by lunch time. I enlisted my current wife and dispatched her to the basement to turn the breakers on/off since I had no idea which circuit it was on. It dawned on me that I couldn't tell because it DIDN'T WORK. Oh, boy, so I just took a guess. I removed the faulty receptacle in nothing flat. Carefully placed wire nuts on the bare wires. I was careful to mark the key components so it would be correct when I installed the new one. I hooked 3 of the 4 wires up but 4th one didn't want to accept the wire. I loosened the screw up a bit. A bit was too much, the screw came out. I spent the next 3 hours trying to get the screw back in. Including totally removing the receptacle.
Frustrated, off I go to the hardware store to purchase another receptacle. Great another $14.00 bucks thrown away. Carefully, I mark this one up, install the wires without incident and button it back up into the wall. Since my current wife was in abstentia, I went downstairs and engaged the breaker. Up I go. I tested the new receptacle by plugging a light into it – Yep – NOTHING!!! Down to the basement again, turn off the breaker. Not knowing what to do I read the instructions. Ah, I think the wires must be reversed even though I connected them in identical fashion to the original. Back apart it comes, reverse the wires, put it together and turn the breaker back on again. Once again, I tested it and “yes, Houston we have lights.” Great, I looked at my watch; it is now 5:15. A whole afternoon wasted. As I begin to clean up, I notice the array of tools it took. I had 3 Phillips screwdrivers, 3 flat head screwdrivers, needle nose pliers, flashlight, magnifying glass, electrical tape, wire connectors, mirror on extension rod, a portable work table and rags. This normally is a one screwdriver job. Oh my!
At 68 years of age, I have decided it is time to sell all my tools, and refuse to fix anything ever again. Shoot I may just give them to the right person. Steve, just stop by and I will fill your car up. PLEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!
Last year we were Christmas shopping. The mall was packed and as Sue walked around I went my own way. She was surprised to discover that I was nowhere to be seen since I had not mentioned to her that I was going off on my own. She was quite upset as you can imagine because we had a lot to do and hence, she apparently became so worried that she called me on the cell phone to ask where the h#$ I was. In a quiet voice I explained: “Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace and we couldn't afford at the time, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?” Sue choked up and started to cry and said: “Yes, yes, I do remember that store.” I replied: “Well, I'm in the pub next door!” That was when the fight started.
Boy, this French Roast is making me crazy today. I have listened to “Take It Easy” by the Eagles about 40 times in a row this morning. You may have guessed that I really get into the oldies music. I can almost project myself into the performance. Is that crazy? Yeah, probably. Although this is a little outside of my '60's era, the song is really put together. "Take It Easy" is a song written by Jackson Browne and Glenn Frey, and most famously recorded by the Eagles (with Frey singing lead vocals). It was the band's first single, released on May 1, 1972. It peaked at #12 on the July 22, It is one of the songs in The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. – Until we meet again -TA!
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