Trashy Tuesday - 7/16/2013

Definition of Insanity

“Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured...., but not everyone must prove they are a citizen.” “And now, any of those who refuse or are unable, to prove they are citizens will receive free insurance paid for by those who are forced to buy insurance because they are citizens.

Ben Stein

GOOOD Morning Drivelholics!!

It is a wonderful day here on Hysteria Lane; the flowers are blooming, mowers are mowing, gnats are – well – gnatting and I am sweating. Hot and humid here on Hysteria Lane. Last week we had all sorts of things going on. The focal point was the garage sale across the street at the educator's home. Oh my gosh. Car after car zoomed up, eager shoppers adult and children bounding up to the driveway. Of course, they are impervious that this is a public street and all parking and traffic control rules apply. As I peered out my window I was reminded how it looked like a swarm of flies buzzing around freshly deposited doggie dodo. As I continued to watch, deep in my inner gut an urge began to build. I didn't realize at first why it was that I dashed to the bedroom and quickly dressed in “outside” clothing. Next thing I know, I am right in the center of the flies. Yep, there I was as eager as everyone else making certain that I left my DNA on every item with a price sticker on it. Why I was there I don't have a clue but since I was there, I did feel compelled to purchase a couple of things I might need someday. I certainly didn't want to offend one of the “hotties” in the Hysteria Lane Book Club (HLBC). Spent all of $6.25 the first time. Oh yes, I went back for a second go at the sale. Do you kind of get the gist as to why I stay closeted in my home most of the time? This time - $40.00 smackeroos. I am now the proud owner and I do mean “proud” of a filing cabinet with a safe in it. Bet you don't have one of those. Probably makes you a little jealous doesn't it?

Sandwiched around this action, I met up an MRI. Such a dreadful machine but produces fantastic results. Thirty minutes in this contraption that sounds like an old F20 Farmall tractor that has lost a cylinder. It is LOUD. They put earplugs in and then headphones with your choice of music. For me, it was just my knee they looked at. It goes without saying, you are not allowed to move – for 30 minutes. Piece of cake, huh? Just try it sometime. Somewhere around the 20 minute mark I had an involuntary twitch. In my headphones was a little voice who announced that I had moved and we will have to take that panel over. Aah, music to my ears, I get to stay in here longer. About an hour later, she announces that there is only 5 more minutes left. By now, my knee is screaming in pain, I am sweating profusely despite the wafting cool air. I being to count 1 to 60 and repeat 5 times only to discover that machine didn't stop. I kept counting another 4 repetitions before she announced we were done. 

 

Here I have been inert and virtually motionless for 30+ minutes and this perky little thing bounces in to extract me from the machine. I lay there for a moment to get my bearings. She asks “do you need help getting up?” Duh, hello, not only help getting up but maybe help with basic things like breathing, walking, talking and etc. “OK,” she said, “put your shoes on.” Somehow I got them on, socks all twisted, and a shoelace tied between the 2 shoes but I didn't care, just get me out of there. I think I only hit 3 curbs on the way home. End result – torn cartilage in what used to be my good knee. Surgery on the 29th, “don't forget to bring your crutches, walker or wheel chair to the hospital.” They will scope it so recovery is pretty quick. So how has your summer been going?

Last week was also cherry picking time at the Bailey ranch. Torn cartridge and all, I plucked every last cherry that I could reach from the d***m thing. All in all, I think we got about 3 – 3/12 gallons of tart cherries. I would like to thank my daughters for their thoughtful Father's Day gift a few years ago. 

 

I announced to my current wife, Sue, that I was moving to India soon. That produced a predictable “eye roll”. I paused for her to ask why, but the question never came. I think her hearing is going. I took the ball and explained to her that India is the only country where it is legal to marry a dog. Now, I know some of you are thinking that people here in the states marry dogs all the time and get divorced or worse. That is not what I am talking about. In India, it is legal marry the four legged dogs. I have my eye on a nice golden retriever with their silky hair. My current wife was on her cell phone after that. I heard her say something like, “He is nuts. He has lost his mind. Come and get him quickly!” Fortunately, a slap in the side of my head brought me back to reality. India is out it seems. Are these the types of things that other 67 years old do? I'm confused.

My last uncle passed away last week and his funeral was Saturday. Felt a special loss because I had spent a significant amount of time with him and his family in my early years. During the service it hit me that the “grown-ups” I used to learn from our family history are now all gone. There is no one. I had the great fortune to visit with a cousin and my brother's ex-wife. They are about my age and they have some good stories to pass along. I am glad to have had some time with them and look forward to more get together s to reminisce.

If you are still with me, I will leave you with a Church Bulletin Blooper or two.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. (Maybe counseling upstairs is in order!)

Notice: The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning is “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon at tonight's service is “Searching for Jesus.”

By the clock on the wall I can't keep you any longer. Maybe you have already quit. If you have already left, skip the rest. For those of you still here, let's have another sip of French Roast and promise to see you next week. Until we meet again – TA!