Women will never be
equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and
a beer gut... and still think they are sexy.
Happy
belated Easter and April Fool's Day. Did we all have fun? I had a
good time for the most part. Had a great Easter dinner with the girls
sans grand dogs. Over ate of course but that is a given. I think I
remember mentioning how I didn't know how to be 67 when I had my
birthday. Well, since February I have been keeping my eyes and ears
open to learn from others. Of course, I can't hear as well as I once
did and now I see two of everything but hey I can still take
nourishment. Anyway, I have learned that speed limits are not a
challenge any more. I have stopped trying to hold my stomach in no
matter who walks into the room. My optometrist has assured me that my
eyes won't get much worse. Evidently when you get to 67, April Fool's
Day jokes and gags are not wasted on us any more.
Being
retired has allowed me to interact more extensively with the
internet. The other day I was “surfing the net”. See I even know
the lingo. I was reminded of several “Laws” that I had forgotten
about and was really glad to have been reminded. Here they are. I
think you can relate also.
1.
Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch and you will have to pee.
2.
Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
3.
Murphy's Law of Lockers – I prove this law every time I go to the
gym. If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have
adjacent lockers.
4.
Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don't know
what you are talking about.
5.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find
a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the
store will stop selling it.
6.
Oliver's (also Doyce's) Law of Public Speaking – A CLOSED MOUTH
GATHERS NO FEET!
Number
5 above reminds me of several restaurants and chains that have closed
months ago. I have noticed our Sonic fast food stores that closed
probably 6 months ago now are advertising their menu every day –
multiple times in fact. Hey, why not advertise while they were still
open. It may have helped. This happens more than I can remember. Ruby
Tuesday is one, Steak and Shake, and so forth.
Now
Murphy's Law of Lockers is especially annoying because, in my case at
least, my locker neighbor is always 6' 5” 250 lbs., full of muscle,
testorone, and attitude. He tends to bring everything in his bathroom
with him and will spread it out left and right after his workout. He
heads to the showers, leaving his “spread” for all to see and
daring you to either take something or move something. I try my best
to be patient. I wait for him to finish his shower so I can ask him
to move his stuff, but I have places to go. After 15 minutes, I
usually give up. I will tip toe to my locker, gingerly open the door,
put my bag on the wet floor, pack it and try to get out of the “way”.
On occasion “Brutus” as I call him, catches me. I look up at him
and politely ask if he could move over so I can get into my locker.
Being under-tall, he looks down, sneers slightly, grunts a little and
goes about his business. Something else I have learned about being 67
is never confronting anyone whose elbow hits you on the top of the
head. Usually, silence and distance is the best solution. I smile as
I walk away thinking that health nuts are going to feel really stupid
someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
While
chatting Sunday as we ate, daughter Debby, the younger, related a
stupid sighting the other day. She catches a lunch at Taco Bell
fairly often. The other day she went to the Taco Bell near her work
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
“minimal lettuce”. The guy (an Iowa State Grad, I think) said he
was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I
hope Fluffy or his wife reads this issue of the Drivel. I know
Fluffy, who is an avid fisherman, is in Missouri this week dipping
his line. I ran across this saying “Give a person a fish and you
feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they
won't bother you for weeks.”
We
have our Men's Breakfast tomorrow. Our special guests will be EMT's.
This seems like a logical conclusion to our public safety series.
First, we had the police chief who imparted his wisdom. Next we had
the swat team showing off all of their nasty tools for controlling
people, now we will learn how to treat the wounds inflicted by the
swat team at the direction of the police chief. This should be a
great time. Wonder if they give free samples like Band-Aids, note
pads or Prozac. That reminds me that in the 60's we took acid to make
the world weird. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it
normal. Go figure!
I
have been sipping some coffee that was donated by H the educator. She
gave it to my current wife during their book study group the other
day. There are 3 of them that get together once a week and discuss a
book for a couple of minutes and then gossip for an hour or so. I
call them “The Three Old Ladies of Hysteria Lane”. Anyhow, this
coffee is described as robust. It is really pretty good but boy, it
makes my eyebrows stand straight out. The buzz is intense and
sustained. The crash from the buzz is not pretty. I can feel myself
coming down now so I had best sign off, get into the bathroom and
lock the door until I have come all the way down. Until we meet
again, remember “Drivel is a six letter word”. TA!
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