Trashy Tuesday - 4/9/2013

You cannot legislate the poor into posterity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

Good Morning Drivelers. I trust your week was filled with more meaningful things than are contained in this blog. It was in the 70's yesterday and felt really good. Gives us a break before the temps plummet later this week. Not complaining mind you. 

 

One of my “peeps”, actually my current wife, just got off the phone from one of my CI's (confidential informants) requesting that I hold up the blog press. He has some urgent news to report to me and will be emailing it soon. This was a 7:00 am this morning that he called. I had been up just long enough to form complete words but not sentences. So I communicate in one word bursts. An hour later and complete sentences are flowing. My peep just asked if I had gotten anything from my CI yet. She suggested I give him a call; it has only been an hour. I think I will wait a moment or two.

We were out for lunch the other day and as usual one thing led to another and we got to talking politics. That always gets contentious. At one point my buddy says, “You don't know Jack Schitt!” It isn't the first time he has said that to me but I am hoping it will be the last. I did a little studying and came up with the perfect retort. I said, “Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe and they produced 6 children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla and Giva Schitt; and another son Bull. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt – Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. Now you know Jack Schitt.” End of discussion. The rest of the meal was very quiet.

Jenny the elder, Debby the younger, Siegfried and Dr. Football are all in the generation of “texters”. They are texting all of the time. Well, they have drug me into texting, not willingly mind you but I get chewed out if I don't read them and don't respond to them. You probably know that good texters have their own way of “talking”. Well, I ran across a handy list that I keep with me all of the time. It is called the “Text Codes for Seniors”. I will list them for you. The list is fairly short because we can't remember too many of them anymore.

ATD – At The Doctors
BFF – Best Friend Fell
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
IMHO – Is My Hearing-aid On
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
TTYL – Talk To You Louder

Hang on, my CI just sent me an email....... Okay here it is. Need to give you guys a little background. A group of guys from our church have been going down to Joplin, Missouri to help with the reconstruction after the devastating tornado. They have been down there several times and are down there now in fact. I was pressured to go with them but with a bum arm and a medication change, I was afraid to commit. They want to go very badly because they stay in a converted egg processing plant which is now a church I believe. They know that I abhor eggs. Out of the kindness of their hearts, they sent me a photo. Please note how much trouble that went in getting the right poses. See below.

Notice how these “friends” have prepared a plate for me even though I am not there. Excuse me; I have to wipe a tear from my eye. They entitled the photo “Egg of the Day” - Yeah. I'm sorry, it wasn't a tear after all, it was an eye drop running out of my eye. The food actually looks pretty good and must taste pretty good judging by the two guys in the rear who didn't have time to look up. The old fart on the left appears to be on the phone, probably talking to one of my peeps. I hope they have a great time. Maybe the next time or the one after that, I will go with them. Thanks to the CI for the photo.

I mentioned the “old fart”, well I am 67. I believe I have mentioned a time or two not knowing how to act when you are 67 since I have never been 67 before. I must say I am learning. I have discovered all sorts of stuff like going to a doctor at least once a week – take your pick, internist, optometrist, podiatrist, and VA doctors. I have realized I started out with nothing.....and I still have most of it. I learned if God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees. And most of all I have learned that some days I am the dog, some days I am the Hydrant and the others are called on account of rain.

My French Drip is gone and I have to get this to my editor before I miss the deadline. Here is a little question to Franz – When did your wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran? Hey, how about the basketball tournament. Whew! I'm glad the season is over. I came back from oblivion to finish 5th which means nothing except I was able to best the likes of Dr. Football, Siegfried and yes, the current wife. Just sayin'. Better luck next year to all. It really was a weird tournament. Remember, do not text and drive, the life you save may be mine. Until we meet again, TA!