12/18/2012 The Laws of the Universe

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

Hi Folks – Still it is seven days to Christmas but how can we really think of that in light of the Sandy Hook School shootings last week!  It is just numbing.  We can't even imagine how people in that community especially the parents and classmates of the kids and adults who were lost can cope with this tragedy.  Now we will over react as a country demanding revision of the gun control laws.  But perhaps even more important is that we should focus on mental health laws, procedures, diagnosis and care.  
I can't believe it is only seven days away?  Without snow and cold it is hard to get into that usual Christmas spirit for me.  Not really "Bah Humbug" but just kind of so-so.  That seems to be about to change come Wednesday and Thursday.  I think we will get as much snow as we need for Christmas - 4 - 8 inches.   The trash is curbside as prescribed by the Garbage Gestapo Operations Manual.  I gave my usual gift to each of the trash pickup engineers - a lump of coal.  I am torn between hauling trash out every Tuesday in the cold, snowy and dark mornings or the lure of a southern environment for the winter months.  We have had a southern Missouri/Arkansas type of winter so far and that is what is leaving me with the so-so Christmas attitude I think.  Not sure I would feel comfortable but on the other hand I can't resist complaining about the Iowa winters either.  I often refer to my hats.  I seem to have a hat for most occasions plus a few extra.  I have mentioned in the winter on my garbage day, I usually have my "Cousin Eddie" hat on.  You know Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation.  Mine is, of course, a warmer variation of his.  Catch the photo of the hat below.  The head it is on is just a dumb block head so don't pay any attention to it.


 You may notice the rabbit fur lining. This is a really warm hat. For the record, no animals were hurt by the making of this hat except rabbits. Have to add that to be PC, you know.

I felt as my gift to you this year I would include a couple of lists and other errata as a way to wind down to Christmas. Perhaps something may touch a nerve, catch an eye or be worthy of additional meditation.

Here is an ad seen in the "Villages" newspaper, I think.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,

and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.

Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Now back to the program. We start with "Laws of the Universe" I got from somebody. Why are there 18? I have no clue, seems as though there should be a much longer list.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of Bio mechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking – A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it.

So for my last list for today is actually a series of questions. I think I have shared some of these before but this list should give you enough to think about until December 22.

1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
4. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
12. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
13. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
14. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
15. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
16. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
17. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
18. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
20. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
21. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
22. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
23. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
24. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
25. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
26. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Most of you will probably, at this point in time, focus on the very last question. Hey, be kind – it is the Christmas season all ready.

Are the "Top Ten" lists a thing of the past? Is the world going wacky or what? No, wait; I know. The lists are unusual because the world comes to an end on December 22 and they want to insure you have enough time to read them or possibly the list makers wanted to clear everything off of their list of list. I don't know whether to believe this end of the world stuff. I waffle back and forth. On the days I believe it, I go on a shopping binge for "Prepper" supplies like water, canned food, military meals, toilet paper and so forth. On days I don't believe it, I make long term plans for 2013 like vacations and such. I'm just kind of stuck in the middle. I guess I am trying to have my cake and eat it too.

The hardest thing for me to do is buy a gift for my current wife. When asked what she would like for Christmas the response is something like “oh, I don't care” or “I don't really need anything”. So off I go trying to find the “I don't care” gift or that “I don't really need anything” gift that she really does need. The older I get, the harder it gets. What typically happens, I make a selection, purchase it, wrap it and put it under the tree. Then every once in a while, a hint is dropped like, “That would be neat” or “I would like that” or “We need one of those”. Off I go again, purchase the suggested item, wrap it, and put it under the tree. This usually repeats 4 or 5 times before Christmas finally gets here. In years past, I have been seen in the stores on Christmas Eve frantically searching that last gift idea. Hey guys, does that happen to you also?

This is turning out a little long but after all it is the holidays. Sip.... the French Roast is very good today. I would hope that all of you have a great holiday season. Please remember our pet friends. They put up with us all year, do a little something special for them this season. Many wags to you. TA!