12/11/2012

“Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.”

I have written many times about the “Athletic Club” where my current wife and I are members. While I work out I find it especially interesting to watch other exercisers. Last week I was about 15 minutes into the interval training session on the treadmill. Sweat dripping from virtually every pore on my body and a few pores from the guy next to me. Up strolls a comely looking young thing. She is dressed so chic – black yoga slacks, a moisture wicking t-shirt under a light weight black moisture wicking sweat shirt. Her hair is in a ponytail which is coming through the baseball cap in the back. You know, that space between the material and the adjusting strap. Confidently she mounts the treadmill directly in front of me. Straddles the treadmill she has already started to make last minute adjustments. Finally, off she goes. First a quick walk for maybe a minute or so, then she breaks into a run. All together she is on the treadmill for 5 minutes. She heads downstairs to the weight equipment. I finish my power bike ride and downstairs I go. Mind you I now look like I just got out of the pool. No sooner am I stretching out that I see this young lovely again. She goes to the hand weights, picks up a pair of 10 pounders, does 5 reps – done. Next she walks clear across the room to the furthest drinking fountain and takes a sip. This repeats itself for about 30 minutes and out she goes. Not so much as a damp brow. I really feel she was trolling. It certainly wasn't to get fit. Realizing this, I attempted to make contact before she got to the door but it seems as though my legs had turned into spaghetti. Oh well, it was a thought and not much more.

I got this list from someone a while back. You know lists are lists but this is kind of cute. It is a list of 10 things for us to think about As We Slide Down the Banister of Life Towards 2013-- Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book; it's called...'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes, now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...

At this time of the year, it seems the police are extra vigilant with regard to drunken drivers. I am reminded every December a personal experience I had in an earlier life form. It was this time of year with Christmas parties galore. I was at my company's annual party. This company, back then, really knew how to host a party. When it was wrapping up a bunch of us migrated to a local watering hole. My boss took over the place, plunked down $500 on the bar and started to serve drinks. As you well know, some of us have been known to have over done it only to regret it the next morning because you can't remember what the heck happened.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and wasn't sure where I got it or what to do with it since it was in my garage. The boss manned up and explained that they put it there as a prank. He knew I wouldn't remember what happened the night before. I gave up the party life shortly thereafter.

Have you noticed that it is Christmas time? I realized it the other day at Wal-Mart. Yep, good ole Wal-Mart. Like an idiot I strolled into Wal-Mart around 10:00 am. I broke one of my shopping commandments that goes like this - “Never, never, never go to a Walmart on a weekend AFTER 10:00 am.” Okay, so you have the usual; the bell ringer, people going out the “enter” door and vice versa, and I say “Hi” to the greeter out of habit. With shopping cart in hand I begin my travels. It was not long, maybe 30 seconds, that I realize the every aisle is blocked by strategically placed shoppers and carts who can't make up their mind for 5 minutes whether to buy product a or product b. Oblivious to the fact that lines of carts in front and behind them is stretching beyond the end of the aisle. 30 minutes later I finally make it to the self-checkout line. Have you used those? They are such a treat. A female voice gives you instructs but doesn't seem to give a hoot if you have followed the instruction. “Place item in bag”. I have already done that and tell her so but she just ignores me. I wait for her to tell me to do it again and again and again. At one point I even grab the speaker and shake it so she will listen to me but to no avail. It was at this point a Wal-Mart checkout monitor person appeared to help me. Wouldn't you know it, that female in the checkout machine worked just fine for her? They must be buddies or something. Anyway, I fled vowing to never break that commandment again.

There was a threat of snow on Sunday. On Saturday, I felt it was time to get the snow blower out and get it started. Kinnick, Jenny the elder yellow lab, was here and he pretended to help me. Actually, I don't think he even cared. I turn on the switch, open the choke, adjust the throttle, push the primer a few times and pull the cord. Yes, I pulled it several times. Kinnick was barking his head off as if I was doing something wrong. I checked everything a second time and pulled the cord a few more times. No luck. It didn't even give a hint of starting. Maybe that was what Kinnick was trying to tell me. “Give up Grandpaw, it isn't going to start!” He does seem to be pretty smart with things. In we go to try again some other time. After all we weren't supposed to get THAT much snow. It may hit 42 degrees tomorrow. That would be a good time to try again. It should be rested up from Saturday's try.

I have been getting an increasing number of emails with lists, pictures and etc. attached for me to use in the blog. At first it was pretty cool to get some outside material. Now, I am wondering if the reason I am getting so many suggestions is because they just can't stand my blog anymore. You may have noticed that I tend to blend a list or two in order to keep my contributors reading.

At church last week, I was chatting with someone about getting older. That is a favorite topic these days. We have an aging congregation. I quietly confided to him that I was having an affair. He turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?” And that, my friend, is the definition of “OLD”. Just sayin'.

My current wife, Sue, belongs to my “Athletic Club”. I think I mentioned that she has been going to the Silver Sneakers class. This class is for seniors and is a light impact aerobic exercise class. When she began the class she related to me that she felt like her body had gotten totally out of shape, so she got her doctor's permission to join the fitness club and start exercising. She decided to take the Silver Sneakers class. She related that she bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time she got her leotards on, the class was over. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I had always wondered why she didn't start the class right away. It took a week or so to get onto putting on the leotards in a timely fashion. She has no problems now it seems.

My French Roast has just run out for today but I am watching Dr. Oz while writing this. It seems that cholesterol is not a problem. We are dieting and medicating for cholesterol and it isn't even the cause of heart disease. I grabbed a glazed donut upon hearing this news and am typing with sticky fingers, I am so excited. Oh, I listened to the rest of the story and, of course, it isn't that easy. Glad I didn't throw all those pills away. I think what I am hearing is that it's a controversial idea. I need to get a particle size cholesterol test. It seems the small particles are the culprits. The big particles are great because they don't cause inflammation in the blood vessels. Hmm, but what do I know. Keep your eyes and ears open. Apparently, sugar is the major culprit to heart disease. That is my health update for today.

In closing, let us bow our heads for the Senility Prayer:

“Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.”

TA!