Good morning Friends, Neighbors and all Blog Readers,
Yep, another Trashy Tuesday has broken with the morning sun. Garbage Gestapo are donning their uniforms and falling out for morning formations. The Tuesday customers are hurrying to get the trash, recycling and yard waste wheeled to the curb before being busted by the Special Garbage Police (SGP). Seven o'clock am is the magic time. Get it to the curb or get a ticket. But really folks "forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name."
My good friend and neighbor H. (the educator) got new shingles on her house a couple of weeks ago. Have you noticed the number of shingling jobs going on all of a sudden? No, well you may want to kind of keep an eye on that. You see an asphalt shingle company introduced a new shingle which used "green" materials several years ago. It used recycled paper products mixed into the shingle stuff. I guess their engineers and chemists didn't think about the paper dissolving prematurely when exposed to water. Well, these shingles fail. Mine failed after 13 years but were supposed to be guaranteed for 30 years. I have heard about them failing in as little as 8 years. Boy 'o boy! Anyway, H. hired a crew to replace the shingles. They swooped in just before noon, about 15 or so of them. It looked like a bunch of ants or lemmings scurrying over and around her house. Busy, busy, busy at least until about 2 in the afternoon. Then all work ceased. Huh! Yep, someone speaking Spanish gave an order and siesta time began immediately. They eventually returned to work. They seemed to do a good job by the looks of things which is cool. I watched most of the action from my window but had to be discreet and not get caught peering out. When all was done, my current wife Sue, washed the window to get the nose smears off of it. Covering my tracks if you will.
Remember, money cannot buy happiness but.... somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
My current wife, yes you know her name by now (see above paragraph) appears to be in the midst of a conundrum. She brought her problem to my attention this morning. It goes like this. She wants to call one of those vanity phone numbers. You know like 1-800-pet-dodo. This was a long distance call so logically she wanted to use her Blackberry since we are on a national calling plan. The numbers on the keypad are apparently different than those on a regular land line phone. Something like the letters "abc" are on the number "1" key on the land line phone but on a Blackberry, "a" and the "*" share a key, "b" and "!" share a key and "c" and "9" share a key and so forth. Try and dial that vanity number, won't work. Trust me. Guess what I get to do today? Yep, try and solve her problem. She doesn't want to try to translate it because you never know if you will be near a land line phone. She is demanding an answer. Word of Wisdom - "Help a person when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again." So true!
Kinnick and I have made a little progress in understanding each other. Seems his English vocabulary is much larger than my Labrador vocabulary. He has been trying to teach me what his woof with low pitch means. I am just not getting it. It is not "potty time" nor is it "I need water". I think I have it narrowed down to "I want you close to me while I sleep" or "I want you to play with me". I have learned that when I am wrong, he stares at me first raising the right eye brow, then the left one and then back to the right. I am just thankful he is so patient or he may be thinking some people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
The gym that we attend every morning seems to be undergoing some changes with their seniors program. Our seniors program is called "Silver Sneakers". You may have heard of it. We hadn't until we joined the gym. I thought it was kind of a catchy name. That was until I realized 2 things. 1. No one wears silver sneakers - neither the trainers nor the seniors. 2. We all know that silver is awarded to second place. Gold is awarded to first place. Could this program name infer it is for "second class individuals" or that seniors are second class? I don't have any idea if I am reading too much into the name. Just wondering is all. Anyway, we have been informed that we are not to touch, fondle or try to operate the fans in the room. Management has stated we only break these fans and "if it happens again, we will remove them". The DVD player and microphones are off limits also which is understandable. Although, I am tempted to turn the one off in the bicycle room next door. Often times we can't hear our own music. Sound like grade school anyone? Just to remind them that this class is for "Senior Citizens" not "Senile Citizens". And so it goes. In our simple retired lives, we must have something to give us cause to complain.
MacBlu didn't give me a word of the week this week. It seems he has an "issue" with his dishwasher - like IT STOPPED WORKING. I know he has been busy dealing with that. Been there, done that.
Since MacBlu didn't come through for you - here you go:
ReplyDeletePARAPROSDOKIANS
Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.