Drivel Over Coffee #260 5/12/2015

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

Hey everyone. How y’all doing this day? I hope your week was a good one. And what about those moms out there. Hope your day was indeed a special one. One thing I learned early on in my relationship with my daughter's mother was to never laugh at my wife's choices..... I was one of them!

Here is a little ditty that many of you moms can relate to probably. A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?” "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

My week was up and down I guess. I have had time to put my failed BBQ event in the back window. I accompanied daughter Debby, the younger, to the Veterinary Hospital over in that other college town. They were very good to us. Both of us were incognito. Sans any evidence of our real collegiate loyalty. I drove my car and Debby opted to hold Barney on her lap when we started out. At one point I looked over and Barney had his front paws on her shoulder and seemingly was snuggling which is rather unusual for Barney. We thought it was cute and that he was just nervous about taking a trip. A few minutes later Debby realized that he wasn't not really snuggling. Instead he had a nervous poop event. We only had 1 ½ hours left to go. Oh Boy! Debby nonplussed by the event managed to secure the offending orb and dispatching into an “appointed” poop bag. We hit Tama and made a stop for Barney to relieve himself and I prepared the crate for his occupancy for the rest of the trip. All went well. Barney immediately won over everyone's heart. He had an MRI. He has a blockage in his spine making it difficult to use his rear legs. He will get retested in a month at which time we will decide if a surgery is in his future. He is such a trooper.

I have opined in the past about my interest in wondering about things, questioning why things are such and such, or how things came about. Here are a few things I have wondered about in the past – enjoy!!

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Just when you thought you had the answers to everything you need in life, I come along with this junk. Here are some answers I found to some of my wonderings.

Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile?" Also, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt and therefore the expression "losing face."

Ladies wore corsets which would lace up in the front. A tightly tied lace was worn by a proper and dignified lady as in "straight laced."

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint-and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's"

Speaking of corsets, politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. Now ask yourself, why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Here's to all the people who remain unharmed because I have coffee and a sense of humor. Remember, there is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. Now, until we meet again. -TA!