Drivel Over Coffee #253 2/17/2015

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante

Good day everyone. Blog day once again. I had the neatest encounter at the store with a smile in every aisle today. I was in the rear of the store getting milk and was just heading up an aisle when an older lady pushing a kiddie cart with 2 small boys in it, obviously grand kids and a younger guy, probably her son approached and stopped me. She asked the boys what do you say. Each one shook my hand and thanked me for my service. She did also as did the younger man. I thought that was such a great thing for her to teach these young people and I was really touched by their sentiment. Neat!!!!

I was on a plane bound for New York. One of the few times I have flown first class. Sitting across the aisle from me was this very nice looking young lady. The flight attendant approached her and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The gal replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." I heard the captain tell the flight attendant, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He approached the gal and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so." Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York." I immediately double checked my ticket.

As I sit here looking out the window at the lousy snow on the ground knowing it is really cold outside, my thoughts turn toward the Gulf Coast and wondering what people are doing there at this minute since I am not there. I will probably never know since I have never been there. But I think of the story of this scrawny guy walking along the beach. His head is hanging down and his feet are just shuffling in the sand. The life guard, seeing this, crawls down off his perch to see why this guy is so down. The guy explains to the lifeguard that he has been trying to meet a girl on the beach but they take one look at him and break out laughing. He asks the lifeguard for a suggestion. Well, some guys have been known to enhance their physic by secreting a potato in their swim trunks. The next day the lifeguard sees the skinny dude again. His head hanging down and shuffling in the sand. The lifeguard jumps down from his stand. Grabs the skinny guy by the shoulders and explains that the potato goes in the front not the back of the trunks. Bazinga!

Murphy has two more pre-school classes. Last week I didn't go because I was not feeling well and could not speak with the air of authority that I normally have. Sue, my current wife, came home dejected. She says Murphy may not pass the class. WHAT! He may fail pre-school. Does anyone know just how devastating that seems? All my dreams of him being the world's best therapy dog, the fastest agility and fly ball dog ever, the best mannered dog are all crashing down on me. I have spent all week trying to cope with the idea that he may be just a dog. That may be the best for me anyway. I need someone that snuggles and gives me licks whenever. That isn't so bad now that I think about it.

I know a man in his 40's who bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Did you hear about the married couple who were in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned? The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'' "My darling,'' he replied, ''Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''

A teacher friend of ours asked her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

My French Roast is beginning to cool so let's shut this thing down for this week. My current wife told me that the Silver Sneakers class has gotten a bit of spring in their step now that they have made it to the “Pickles” comic strip. Although the strip referred to them as Senior sneakers or something like that , we all knew who they were talking about. Here's a shout out to the Silver Sneakers Gang. OK, mirror me, put your hands together, open, together again repeat some more. Congratulations. Remember, there is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. (Refer back to the story above). Now, until we meet again. -TA!