Drivel Over Coffee #254 2/24/2015

“A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't”
- Rhonda Hansome

Hello all. It is once again a fine day here on Hysteria Lane. Winter has sure quieted the Lane down. Everyone is hunkered down in their homes including myself. I sit here continually asking myself just why is it that I am sitting here hunkered down out of the cold and snow. Why don't I go somewhere warm? I am free to go anywhere I want, but no, here I sit in Iowa. I believe Iowa only has about 5 months that are really hospitable. For seven months we are shivering, shoveling snow, having heat stroke while swatting bugs from our bodies.

At the risk of upsetting some folks I want to take a moment to bring some clarity in the way in which we use the word “Entitlements” Our esteemed or is it steamed politicians use the word interchangeably for welfare, food stamps, WIC, Social Security and Veterans Benefits. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not getting into the whole welfare debate. All I am pointing out is that Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.” Let's just get our terms correct when talking about these programs.

Last night was Murphy's last pre-school class. He passed puppy pre-school, plus he passed the AKC S.T.A.R. Puppy Program test. He was in good form thankfully and gave the instructors licks at just the right time. They have recommended he enroll in the Puppy Agility I class. The way in which he took on the tunnel last night makes me think that just might be his calling.

I am sure most of you heard about the teenage boy who had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. In case you haven't, here is the rest of the story. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

You're going to love the Dad's reply! "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" Bazinga.

Several years ago, we had an Intern at work who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. Oh my!

I was telling my neighbor about my new hearing aids. "I just got new hearing aids. They cost me four thousand dollars, but they are state of the art. They are perfect." "Really," answered my neighbor. "What kind is are they?" "Twelve thirty."

The baby boomer Rock stars are revising their hits with new lyrics. They include:

Bobby Darin's: "Splish, Splash, I Am Having A Flash!"
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker!"
Ringo Starr: "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends!"
Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
The Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three times To The Bathroom!"
Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade Of Hair!"
Helen Reddy: "I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore!"
The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
           And, last, but NOT least,
Leslie Gore (RIP): "It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To!"

Did you know in the United States, there are more empty houses than there are homeless people? There should be a way......

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

From the retirement home. Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." Let's hear it Ringo.

As I inhale the aroma of my French Roast and look outside through my dog licked glasses it occurs to me that Easter is not far off which makes the annual Easter Egg hunt near at hand also. I have found that the nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Remember, there is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. (Refer back to the story above). Now, until we meet again. -TA!