"If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.” Jeff Foxworthy
Last week I shared a list of useful ways for Aquarians to maintain a healthy level of insanity. This week I have included a list open to all other signs. Enjoy!
1. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
2. Sing Along At The Opera.
3. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
4. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.
6. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name – Rock Hard.
7. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
8. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
9. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
10. Copy these and Send To Someone To Make Them Smile... It's Called Therapy.
Murphy and I were pondering yesterday over several things. One that really irks the heck out of me is why we have different names for groups of animals. This isn't the first time I have opined on this topic and probably won't be the last. For instance, a group of coyotes are called a band but a group of eagles are called a convocation. I thought that was what we did when we graduated. A group of crows are called a murder. Evidently, our church members are plovers since a group of plovers are called a congregation. So it goes. I could cite hundreds more but you get the drift. All these different labels for groups of things just doesn't seem to be necessary. It just clutters my mind. I have so much clutter up there I don't need anything more.
I was in the Hy-Vee just before Thanksgiving. Picking up the last touches for the holiday. Cranberries and the like. I don't understand why it is we always buy cranberries for holidays. My current wife is the only one who will eat the darn things. Anyway, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but apparently was frustrated because she couldn't find one big enough for her family. I overheard her ask a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" Quizzically, the stock boy replied, "No, ma'am, they are dead." There's your sign.
Breaking News: Doughboy Dead at 71
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
I was talking to a guy in the coffee shop the other day. Eddie was his name I think. He was a Vietnam Veteran and we swapped some lies about the war. Eddie went on to tell me that after a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, his wife and he decided that the only way to save their marriage was to try therapy. When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right in "what seems to be the problem?" Immediately, Eddie says he looked down without anything to say and his wife started talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within him.
After 15 minutes, the therapist went over to her, picked her up and kissed her passionately. Afterward, Eddie's says his wife sat there speechless. He looked at Eddie who was staring in disbelief at what just happened. The therapist said "Eddie, your wife NEEDS that at least 2 times a week!" Eddie scratched his head and said, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Adviser tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
The weather has been relatively balmy here for a few days but with the clouds and rain, it is just dreary. I have taken to having a cup or two of my favorite French Roast in the afternoon as a sort of pick me up. With a baby (Murphy) in the house, I get worn out and don't really sleep all that well. I have a subconscious fear that he will need something in the night and I won't hear him. Would someone stop by and slap me in the side of the head and tell me that the dog will be just fine and not to worry? Thank you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. Now, until we meet again. -TA!
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