Drivel Over Coffee #238 10/7/2014

“The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government
and I'm here to help.” Ronald Reagan

Hi Drivellers, It is Tuesday again. I've got just a bit of a problem today. Yesterday they started to replace my driveway. My ancient asphalt driveway has gone by-by. Today a new concrete driveway is being pored. It will be such a joy. The problem revolves around the fact that it is Trashy Tuesday. Yep, trash pickup. I'm not sure what I should do since there will be a cement truck and various things going on near the driveway. Normally, I sit my three trash containers to the right of the driveway. I don't want to risk not having it picked up. I think I am on the edge of getting shut off anyway. Two weeks ago, my current wife happened to be out there when one of our “finest” stopped to pick up his container. They are always in a rush but he took the time to pause and yell out the window, “Hey lady, from now on put this one first in line.” Startled, she mumbled something like “Okay.” She got back in the house and related the exchange but she couldn't remember which one of the three he was talking about. Now I figure it is just a matter of time before I get called into the main office for a chat so I don't really want to give them another excuse.

On a lighter note, I decided I would expose you to some Jeff Foxworthyisms just for kicks.

1. If plastic water bottles are okay, but plastic bags are banned, — you might live in a nation (state) that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

2. If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

3. If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

4. If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

Sorry, folks didn't mean to get political so let's try some Rodney Dangerfieldisms.

1. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

2. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

3. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

4. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

5. Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

I am going to Iowa City for a 3 hour test. Yesterday, I had this special diet that I had to follow in preparation of this test. The diet was simple enough. Twenty Four hours before the test I was to limit my food intake to 3 pieces of white bread, broiled or grilled chicken, broiled or grilled fish, white rice, and white potatoes. No butter or anything. Beverage choices were black coffee, tea and water. At the 12 hour mark, I am to fast. Can you say “hungry”? I figure I can do this one time but I have to do this again next week. Would someone just shake me or hit me in the side of the head. I am nuts I swear.

Have you heard the one about two cannibals? Okay, here goes. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?” There I go thinking of food again.

In the category of “Believe it or Not”. I was down home a while back. It had been a while so I decided to drive around the countryside where I grew up. Down the road from our old farm house I stopped next to a pasture where some cattle were grazing. I got out of the car, crossed the ditch, and leaned against the fence and looked over the pasture, the cattle and the surroundings. Boy, it was beautiful. It was so peaceful. There were two cows standing not too far away from me. They weren't paying any attention to me. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don't believe you,” says Dolly. “It's true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy. Boy, cows sure have a sense of humor. I couldn't help but snicker as I returned to the car. The thought came to me that it might have been “Deja Moo”. You know, the feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to a sporting goods store to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I asked the clerk where I could find them. The bearded dude replied that if I had ever known an invisible man who married an invisible woman. I replied that I hadn't. He said the kids were nothing to look at either. It was at this point I just walked out shaking my head. Later that day, I took my current wife, Sue, to a seafood disco. I had never been to one. Shoot I had never heard of one but we had a coupon. The first swing on the floor and I pulled a mussel.

Hey, these laughing moments above reminded me of a situation we ran into on our vacation to Brained, MN this summer. I just remembered it. We arrived at our hotel in the afternoon. As we checked in, I noticed this whole group of nerdy looking people. They were all clustered in the foyer and kind of noisy and making it rather crowded. We went to our rooms and after a bit I decided to go down to get some directions. That group was still there, nosier than ever. I asked a guy next to me who these people were. Apparently it was a group of chess enthusiasts who checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. The guy said they had been there an hour or so. Just then the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. – Until we meet again -TA!