“To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hi everyone. How is it going today? I have come slowly to the conclusion that Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday are really useless days of the week. I have resisted throwing in the towel on these days but in my advanced years, I only need a four day week to get my chores done. I don't really know what to do with the first 3 days. From here on out, I will be using my four week calendar. It may be confusing to some but I will try to convert where necessary.
Any farmers or cattle men out there? Tell me where cattle branding began? Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.
Last week I posted a couple of photos of myself with Curby the mascot and a sanitary waste pickup truck. I got a lot of ribbing from my friends in the men's breakfast club. They never gave me credit for my knowledge of the Garbage Gestapo and their rules and methods. Low and behold, they had an opportunity to witness the Gestapo's wrath last week. The church received the dreaded red sticker of shame.
Last Wednesday our men's breakfast club at church asked our fine county sheriff to attend and give us a presentation. The distaff portion of our congregation were invited to attend also. The sheriff has proven to be an interesting speaker in the past. With 2 or 3 minutes of pre-planning, the kitchen staff was expanded anticipating a larger than normal attendance. Yours truly was recruited to man the bacon station. I arrived early slapped 2.5 lbs. of bacon on 4 cookie sheets and tossed them in the oven. This bacon cooking technique was a novel one to several. I fielded numerous inquiries as to how this is done. This is an excellent way to cook bacon. The bacon can be cooked precisely to the desired degree of doneness. The biggest benefit is that the bacon stays nice and flat. Fluffy manned the scrambled egg station. He fluffed and scrambled the eggs into a very nice product. Deputy Terrance was the overseer of the operation. The responses from the distaff were a universal thumbs up. I have to give a shout out to Dishwasher Donny. His professionalism and perseverance keep the whole men's kitchen staff in sync.
Did you know a raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top?
Last Friday I made a trip to our Do-It-Best hardware store. Just for your information, they don't really do-it-best. Anyhow, as I entered the store, a man said, "I would like a red hat, yellow shirt, red pants, and yellow shoes." The clerk asked, "Are you an Iowa State fan?" "I sure am," the man said, sticking his chest out. My ears perked up a bit because there aren't really too many of these here in the heart of Hawkeye country. "How did you know? The color combination?" "No," replied the employee. "This is a hardware store." There's your sign!
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For instance, if they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
Looking for a new car? Go see “Bowtie Mike” at Nissan dealer. Please, Please. I can't get rid of him. Plus, I can't seem to be able to call him Bowtie Mike without laughing.
From personal experience “Bug Soother” that works so great for gnats and etc. seems to have little or no effect on keeping the Stupids away or their cousins the Idiots. Pepper spray and mace will work on most of them.
I have some bad news to report. Last week, a robin red breast committed suicide in our back yard. It was the first one that we have been aware of this year. It was a sad loss. My current wife discovered him. We don't know what drove him to this action. Did he fail at nest building? Were there too many mouths to feed? Did momma robin peck at him all the time? We just don't know. Apparently, he flew as fast as he could, closed his eyes and slammed head first into our picture window. We collected his remains, placing the body gently into a brand new Hy Vee plastic grocery bag. Sue, my current wife, and I bowed our heads. She said a few words. Quietly, we carried him to our burial site. She opened the lid and I laid him to rest in the trash can for his journey to his final resting place. RIP Robin Red Breast, you will be missed.
Time for another shout out. My niece's daughter plays on a USSSA 10U softball team. Apparently her team are state champions for Iowa and are rated #1 in Iowa and the nation in the power rankings. Pretty darn good and certainly proud of her accomplishments.
Does this law make sense? In Marshalltown there is an ordinance or law where horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants. Or how about in Ottumwa, it is illegal within the city limits for a man to wink at any woman he does not know. Did you know that in the State of Iowa a man with a mustache may never kiss a woman in public? That is why I am always clean shaven.
Right here on Hysteria Lane all types of things have been happening. It seems as the 3 hotties in the Hysteria Lane Book and Gossip Club pooled their resources and rented a huge dumpster. The educator lent her driveway for it. We have had it for 10 days and would you believe that sucker is full. Who knew we all were hoarders?
Secondly, 200 bags of river rock were delivered by my friends at Menards. Three pallets in all. You might imagine that my current wife freaked just a little bit. Well, all of those bags have been dispersed. You may remember I donated my wood mulch a couple of weeks ago to the church. Daughter the younger took over the task of populating our new flower beds with foliage. She has done a great job. I didn't move all of the rock myself. Daughter the Elder and Sven did the bulk of the work. Nice to have some helpful hands. Made it a lot easier. Yes, Charles (not his real name), the rock is gone. Glad you stopped by to see what 200 bags looked like. Rarely a dull day here on Hysteria Lane.
In closing I have to share a secret with all of you. Do NOT let this go beyond our Drivel circle of friends. I have been hiding from exercise. I'm in the fitness protection program. Don't blow my cover, please.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. – TA!
No comments:
Post a Comment