Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Drivel Over Coffee #284 10/27/2015

Oh Lord, Please keep all the stupid people from breeding.
We're getting badly outnumbered down here.

Can you believe it – the last week of October already? Just where did spring, summer and fall go? It won't be long now until I have to stop wearing shorts and put on long pants. Hate those darn things. Next it will snow and get cold for an eternity. Yuk! I have been told snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Never thought of it that way. I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” imprinted on it. I said, “Left Tackle?” Her right hook was awesome.

The guys at the Old Farts Coffee Klatch were telling stories about their school days. Billy Bob was pretty quiet – he dropped out in the eighth grade. The stories began to change to bragging about athletic prowess, scholarly achievements and so forth. My only contribution was the closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Actually, I told my buddies about the exam that I received a zero (0) on. Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct. The teacher had no sense of humor. I remember it like yesterday. Here are the questions with my answers.

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die? Answer: his last battle.
Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? Answer: at the bottom of the page.
Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state? Answer: liquid.
Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce? Answer: marriage.
Q5.. What is the main reason for failure? Answer: exams.
Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast? Answer: Lunch & dinner
Q7.. What looks like half an apple? Answer: The other half.
Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become? Answer: Wet
Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? Answer: No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? Answer: You will never find an elephant that has one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Answer: Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? Answer: No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Answer: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

These guys know I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here. I commented that every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive. That confused Spud for a while. Now I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. I got that “high” last week when a nimrod kicked over a bucket of meal worms right under out table. Thankfully, Jimmie, the owner of the Jimmy's Grill & Bait Shop was all over it. Those worms end up in a cup of dark roast too easily.

I told the gang as I was hopping around trying not to squish the meal worms that now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. I got them to chuckle at that. I explained to them that a while back I signed up for an exercise class. I was told to wear loose fitting clothing. Hell, if I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 


Is it any wonder Seniors get confused?



I had one of those dastardly prostate exams. No not the one where you drink gallons of yukky stuff, sit on the pot and then go to the hospital. This was the old fashioned kind – bend over and cough type. So after my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words no man wants to hear: “Who was that?”

Yesterday I was at the Hy-Vee (our large food chain in Iowa) buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Murphy, the Boston Terrier and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. Oh my, no, I told her, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Hy-Vee won't let me shop here anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" We who have seen war never stop seeing it. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. -TA!

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