Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Drivel Over Coffee #283 10/20/2015

A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.

Good morning you awesome people out there. Just how was your weekend anyway?

Sad news this morning. A dear friend of ours has lost her beloved soul-mate today. So sorry to hear this news. Our prayers and thoughts go to the family.

Our one year old Boston Terrier, Murphy, has a great time teasing my current wife and me by taking a personal item such as a shoe, running through the house, out the doggie door to the back yard and showing it off to all the neighbors as one of us chase him back and forth in the yard trying to get it from him. I get so mad at him I could strangle him but I can't catch him and he knows it. He taunts and teases us by diving toward us only to side step our desperate lunge to catch him. Yesterday, he comes blasting down the hall with a roll of toilet paper hanging from his jowls and out the doggie dog despite my diving effort to stop him. Out I go with my flip-flops on. I know this is a futile effort but the prospect of a roll of toilet paper being teepee'd all over the yard wasn't too exciting. I execute my due diligence anyhow.

Standing at one end of the yard, the roll is being gnawed as he eyes me. Pieces of the white 2 ply paper float away as he rips them off the roll. I “casually” saunter toward him. Once I get within 5 feet of him, off he goes to the other side, toilet paper flapping in the breeze as he runs. He sits for a moment and bounces the roll on the ground; rolling it, chewing it, spitting chunks out as he waits for me. Again, “casually” walking toward him, I get to the magic 5 foot mark and off he goes to the other end again. More toilet paper tearing off, carried by the wind to all parts of the yard. I try this four more times with the same results. Out of breath and unable to chase anymore, I give up and go inside knowing that I will be spending an hour or so cleaning up. The last resort is to yell “Treat”. He will come in sometimes if I yell that. If I call his name, Murphy, I may get a sideways glance as an acknowledgment but no movement toward the house. “Treat” only works if he feels he has teased me long enough. This time he came for a treat and was kind enough to return with the remainder of the toilet paper. Such a good dog. I know, I know, believe me, giving a treat is rewarding bad behavior but it is an act of desperation. We do our best to eliminate these temptations but he always seems to find a way. Such a good dog.

African heart-nosed bats have such a keen sense of sound that they can hear the footsteps of a beetle walking on sand from six feet away.

My mom always told me when I was a kid to be sure that I wore clean underwear. Every time she told me, I would ask why. She always replied that if I were in an accident and went to the hospital, I needed clean underwear. I never really believed her after I had gotten into my teen years. I reasoned that if I were injured that badly, I just may have soiled myself in the process therefore making her argument invalid. Never in my day was the idea of not wearing any underwear EVER contemplated. It never crossed our minds but I came across a story the other day from the Northwest Florida Daily News where this became an issue.

It is about a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back in place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Now you see, it is not only necessary to wear clean underwear but also any underwear. My mom would of course say something like, “I told you so.” Oh those moms were so smart when I was a kid.

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I'm not going.” “Why not?” she asked. “I'll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them.” His mother replied, “I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!”

I had an occasion to take a road trip with my friend Charles, not his real name, last week. He has pestered me for 3 years to go with him to make a tater and cheese run. Now this may not sound especially enticing to most of you but some of us like our taters and cheese. Charles kept telling me about a place called Churchtown, Iowa. I had never heard of it and was a little dubious that it really existed. Away we go in his pickup truck way up into the hoot and hollers of northeastern Iowa. I saw things that I have never seen before. Like I saw 2 states besides Iowa. I wasn't all that impressed but at least I can say that. I saw places like Monona, Volney, Rossville, and Waukon on the way. We skirted St. Olaf where it is rumored that they pass in the “St. Olaf song books” when Iowa Men's Basketball has secured a victory. Charles eagerly educated me on the designs of the various court houses that we passed and also told where the restrooms were in case it should be something I might require at another time.

The Calhoun Creamery in Churchtown was open and a Fraulein was waiting to show us into the locker but Charles knew the way so she just stood back. I think the crazed look in our eyes scared her a little. I was like a kid in a candy store. I loaded my arms full in about 30 seconds, dropped them off with the clerk and went back for seconds. This time I took my sweet time – maybe two minutes and I came out with another arm load. She tallies my purchases up and Charlies almost had a heart stoppage when hearing my total.

That was the cheese part of the trip. Our real objective was picking up taters. This is a bigger deal. Once a year a local store gets a semi load of potatoes in 20 pound bags. The locals rush in and grab them up as fast as they can so they will keep throughout the winter months. A couple of city kids in our church breakfast group learned of this. For the last few years they have been going up there when the semi comes in and buying a few HUNDRED pounds of potatoes. They bring them back and distribute them to various needy groups around town. This year we brought back 1200 pounds. Being a greedy sort, I took 20 pounds for myself. This is one of the many charitable missions which the congregation of our church conduct. Most of these are little publicized but they do a lot of good for many people.

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. We who have seen war never stop seeing it. -TA!

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