Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Robert Bloch
Thank you for the applause. It really wasn't necessary. Yes, it is my current wedding anniversary. My current wife, Sue, and I have had 46 previous current anniversaries. We are celebrating by going to Applebee's with daughter Debby, the younger. I am following the meal with a relaxing overnight stay at the Iowa City VA Sleeping Clinic. Yes, this will be my second visit. I had a really good time the first time and since they said I failed my test I was needed back for a re-test. Isn't that just the shi#s. Probably not do too much anyway.
My wife and I got into a conversation about life and death today, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my diet coke. Sometimes it's tough being married to a Smart Ass anniversary or not.
Has it been cold where you live? Yeah, here too. I have been looking at the weather map and don't really see too many places where the weather is very nice. I hear Belize has some good properties for sale and they speak English to boot. Since it has been so lousy outside here on Hysteria Lane, I have not been going to the gym as religiously as I should be. I am working out though. Snow blowing the sidewalks and driveway is good cardio as is chopping ice and frozen snow. I have developed an exercise for lifting weights at home and you probably have everything already or can purchase it easily. It is super easy and anyone should be able to do it. It goes like this. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm now at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Last Wednesday was our Men's Breakfast group at church. It was the first meeting of the year. Everyone was kind of down because of the weather and the long winter. Just a bunch of grumpy old geezers. J, the sound guy, seemed to have settled in pretty well with his pacemaker. I was opining about flunking my sleep test. It seemed everyone was grousing a bit. I overheard a guy at the next table bragging about his new hearing aid. It was the first upbeat thing I had heard so I listened in. He said, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.” “Really,” answered his neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.” Oh boy!!!
My current wife gave me a list of Punography. Now, I really don't know if that is a word or not but here is the list she forwarded to me.
- I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
- When chemists die, they barium.
- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
- A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
- I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
- They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
- This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
- When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
- Broken pencils are pointless.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
- I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
- I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
- All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
- I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Yes, I know – these are groaners but they do take up some space.
Have you been watching the Olympics? I have been on and off. I am not a big ice skating fan but I do like to watch those skiers and snowboarders. Those people are insane. So far though it looks as though the games are going along pretty well despite all of the pessimism at the beginning. My only real complaint is that the other stations just give up the ratings and run old reruns to bide their time until the games are over.
One good thing about being shut in, I have time to really savor my French Roast in the morning. I am not scurrying to get ready to go anywhere. I really do enjoy that dark roast. Another benefit about being shut in is that I have no excuse to not do my income taxes. I'm getting them done early for a change. Well the anniversary festivities are about to begin so I best get dressed for the day. Have a great one and we will be back next week. Hope for some warmer temperatures. TA!
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