Trashy Tuesday 08/13/2013

“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I do not believe I deserved my friends.”Walt Whitman

GOOD Morning Drivelholics!!

Yep, can you believe it – Tuesday? Just doesn't get any better than this. Opened the windows last night, tossed and turned all night, got up at 4:30 am, and am sitting in front of the laptop just feeling on top of the world. Strange wouldn't you think? How is your day starting off?

Reality is setting in – gotta get the garbage out. What a favorite chore. I think I will exaggerate my limp with the hope the current wife will take pity on me and offer to get the trash. Here goes... let's see how this works. 6:58 am – didn't work. As I was limping out to the back door, I was behind my current wife who had the kitchen trash. She was groaning louder than I was limping. Apparently, her back gave out. I'm thinking about “rock, paper, and scissors” and decide that “groaning because of back” trumps “exaggerated limp” so out I go with the trash. At least I tried. BTW, the knee – fantastic! Therapy has cleared me; post op doctor visit was a big thumbs up. Reminded me that my knee is a “very nice looking knee”. Even commented on my lovely ACL. I'm so flattered. The dreaded TED sock is off and all I have to do is exercises and take it easy.

The audio guy at church is a BIG Starbucks geek. He usually does drive-through. When I got the good news about the knee, I decided to treat myself with a Starbucks. In I go. It was crowded as usual so I sat next to a friendly looking old guy. During a lull in the conversation, I heard his stomach growling and rumbling. The next thing I knew, he was farting repeatedly. Rather rhythmically I noticed. This rhythmic flatulence serenade became quite noticeable and irritated everyone in the room as you might expect. He finally seemed to get himself under control when he noticed me looking at him. He whispered to me that music was so loud that he timed his farts to the beat of the music to cover the noise. I pointed my finger to my ear and said “IPod”. He grabbed the ear bud, got beet red and bolted from Starbucks.” Sadly, this is what happens when old people start using technology!

My current wife received a list of “Ponderisms” from somewhere and I thought I would share it with you.

1 - I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.
3- Life is sexually transmitted.
4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? Hmmmmm, How about eggs? . . .
13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
16- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
17- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
18- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
19- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

I want to warn the people at the gym. I may return on Wednesday. It has been almost 2 months since I have been there. I have to remember that I must take it easy, no 350 lb. leg presses and such. I am planning my workout now. It is looking like a little stationary bicycle, limited squats, toe lifts, and leg lifts yadda, yadda, yadda. I may just stand in the corner or read the paper. Not sure yet. Probably, a game day decision.

I have been getting out more and more. Things are getting back to normal. I was running some errands on Saturday. I was able to buy 2 boxes of ammunition. Really felt lucky. The shelves are pretty empty. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home when I noticed I needed gas. I stopped at a gas station to fill up. I always go to Casey's now. Hy-Vee grocery stores have a promotion going where you get “x” number of cents off the price of a gallon of gasoline. I usually get anywhere from 50 cents to a high of $1.70 off per gallon. This is really a cool deal. Sue, my current wife and I are still struggling with what to do with all of the Hy-Vee stuff we don't normally use. Anyway, back on topic. I begin filling the car up. I'm just standing there like every other guy; looking around with one hand in a pocket and looking cool. Soon, I give that up and got back in the car to rest the knee. So much for cool. At the next pump was a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt filling her car up also. She looked over at me because I was singing along with Bob Dylan. I think she thought I was Dylan. She noticed the two boxes of ammo on the front seat, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?” I thought for a second and asked, “What kind of ammo 'ya got?” Needless to say, the barter wasn't consummated.

So it goes here on Hysteria Lane. Never an exciting moment unless you count seeing 3 ground squirrels playing tag exciting. Oh, you could call watching me swatting the Cicada Killer Wasps with my electric fly swatter exciting. I know this is exciting because several neighbors have actually moved lawn chairs into their yards to watch. Pretty boring community, huh? Until we cross paths once again, TA!