I am writing today from my spa, Grandpaw Bailey's Doggie Fitness Center and Spa. More specifically, the catwalk high above the fitness center floor. I have a little desk fashioned up here with enough space for a mouse and laptop. Hmm, a mouse on a catwalk high above the doggie fitness center floor. All sorts of ways to think about that. This is my hide away. This is where I go when hiding from my current wife, Sue or when I want an overview of my life. I am sipping my coffee but I must be brutally honest with you. I am drinking something called "breakfast blend". I thought this would be appropriate since I drink my coffee first thing in the morning. In my opinion it should be a bold, robust blend that will pop your eyes open and give you a jump start to the day. Wrong! Breakfast blend doesn't cut it. It must be for the yuppie types. I will be back to French Roast full strength tomorrow to be sure.
The Fitness Center like everyone else continues to tighten its belt. Yes, my friends, the times are tough. I have been on this earth for 66 years and I cannot remember such a stretch of rotten economic performance. It has been 4 years at least. I sold the naming rights to the French Doggie Bidet installation. It is now called "Billie Bob's Dump & Run Sewer Sucking Service Doggie Bidet". I know it is kind of a long moniker but he paid me good money for the naming rights.
Speaking of the French Doggie Bidet, I was really taken aback the other day. Yvette, big blue eyes, you may remember as the sales rep for the French Doggie Bidet came in. I thought she had something to show me but I was wrong. Well technically she did show me something and it wasn't pretty. It seems her company is also having a hard time also and have eliminated quite a few employees. Mostly, they laid off the underlings such as technicians, installers, and holding tank cleaners. Poor Yvette not only sells these systems but she has to clean the holding tanks also. She donned her coveralls, boots, and gloves, she looks good in coveralls by the way, and down she goes into the pit. Two hours later she emerges covered from head to toe with...... well, you can guess. I showed her to the ladies room and shower to clean up. Poor thing but she was a trooper and did a nice job. A couple of days later I received a questionnaire from the company and I gave her the highest marks possible. I hope that will help her a bit. This economy just sucks.
Drivel from England. Here is an ad from a local paper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
Fluffy, the sound guy, has threatened me with bodily injury if I didn't include a piece about Cedar Rapids losing its identity. It occurred to me that if Fluffy would "off" me would it be considered a murder or assassination? How important do you have to be before it is called an assassination? Cedar Rapids, like others, are given to name visible entities anything else but "Cedar Rapids......". For instance, the Cedar Rapids Municipal Airport became the Eastern Iowa Airport some years ago. Our convention center is named "US Cellular Center". The list goes on and on but you get the idea. Here you go Fluffy, I do value my body. I have a lot of money invested in my body.
I am back on my rant with Kraft Foods. I have learned that Kraft Foods has discontinued the 2 lb and 1 lb American Cheese block. You heard me right. The product we used to get in the wooden box when we were kids. I have been in touch with the Kraft people and they indicate, hold on Mid-westerners, that sales on the east and west coast were disappointing and sales in the central US was strong. I guess the Central US doesn't mean a whole lot to Kraft. We will be forced to put up with the junk that the "Coasters" like. We will probably get a 1lb. block of "Processed American Avacado". Yum! They want to push the Velveeta. Have you ever tried to shred Velveeta? It won't work. Believe me I have tried. My grocery doesn't carry Shredded American Cheese so you can't buy it if you wanted to. I have also tried shredding American Cheese Slices. It is not pretty. I have lost more fingernails to the hand held shredder trying to shred this stuff. Then you have the problem of sorting through whatever shreds, nuggets, chunks and etc. to pick out the finger nail bits. Well, I'm putting in my "two cents" - Bad idea Kraft folks. Just sayin'. By the way, where does that extra cent go? You know you "put your two cents in"... but you only get a "penny for your thoughts". Who is making this money? Let's not spread this around because the IRS will figure out a way to levy tax on this transaction.
I was enjoying a nice long bath this weekend. Just me and nice hot, steamy bath. I lounged until I started to shrivel. A little bath salts and soothing jazz. Doesn't get much better. There I was pondering things that matter and I began to wonder if you cry under water. Under I go. Jeez, I nearly drowned trying to cry. It didn't happen. Anyone know if you can cry under water?
We had a crisis at Church Sunday. I was prepping and setting up for the service. Laptop hooked up to sound, mic and video. Check! Sound board powered up. Check! Projector and amplifier turned on. Check! Check the battery in the pastors mic. Check! Sound check the pastors mic. Yikes! No sound. Ok, take a deep breath. I check every setting. I push all of the buttons on the sound board using my most technician diagnostic behavior. Inside I am nearing a heart attack. Check the time. I have time to change the fuse just in case it has blown again. On the floor I go in my Sunday best; pull out the equipment; get the inline fuse out and change it. Fluffy, the sound guy, shows up. I can't get the stupid fuse back in. Of course, it is in a spot where those of us who are vertically challenged have a hard time reaching plus it is dark back there. Hey, get a flashlight from the pulpit. Sue, my current wife hands it to me - nothing; the battery is dead. Off she goes to get batteries. Meanwhile, a small group is clustered around the sound cabinet. Suggestions abound as well as concerns and predictions of disaster. Here is the flashlight, Fluffy gets down and with the aid of the flashlight gets the fuse back in. A quick sound check, yes, we have sound everywhere just as the choir is coming in. I, of course, am sweating like a pig. Do pigs sweat? Oh well, as I am calming and order is being restored, a question pops into my head. I don't know where it came from but here it was; "Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?" I know what you are thinking but what better place to seek an answer?
The current wife just sauntered in and observed that I was still writing the blog. "Oh, it is going to be a "long one" today. I didn't respond because I didn't know if it was a complaint or just an observation. I am like that. When confused, keep your mouth shut. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place? I guess I will take the hint and bring this issue of "Drivel Over Coffee" to a close. If you are still with me, thank you for your endurance. Until next time, TA!
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