Yep, it is officially the last week of the year. Can you believe it, 2011 is almost over? Have I told you lately how much I love Iowa in the winter? Well, I don't but so far the temps have been good and there has been no snow so I can tolerate it.
The Garby and Curby were neatly nestled at the curb by 6:50 am this morning. Being full of the holiday spirit, I decided to make nice with the Garbage Gestapo for a week. In the spirit of the holidays, I duct taped a sugar cookie to the lid of each container. We, my current wife and I, returned home early this afternoon and too my amazement, both the trash and recycle trucks had already been here. You can imagine how curious I was to see if the sugar cookies were gone. Low and behold, the sugar cookies were GONE! The duct tape too. I wonder how 2" inch duct tape glue tastes on a sugar cookie? Probably will be able to get a clue next week. If they don't stop, I will assume that duct tape and sugar cookies don't go well together.
Thank goodness the shopping frenzy is over. I wouldn't be able to take much more of it. I had to go to the grocery store last Friday, the 23rd. Had the shopping carts been equipped with a speedometer, everyone would have been speeding. The glazed look in the shoppers eyes and their erratic movements through the store have convinced me that anyone operating a shopping cart must be trained and have a special license. These people are dangerous with a shopping cart. Not only are they traveling faster than conditions allow, they are disregarding all of the grocery shoppers unwritten etiquette. Little things like traveling on the right when going down the aisle not the center of the aisle. Do not park the cart in an aisle in a position that blocks traffic from either direction. Or do not stop in the middle of an aisle to talk with your friend who is coming from the opposite direction. So on and so forth.
Thinking it would be safe to venture out, I left the house on Monday to make an emergency trip to Wal-Mart. Every idiot was at Wal-Mart, I swear. I had an urgent need to buy a HDMI cable plus several grocery items. You see I bought my current wife who is on Injured Reserve, a new 22" LCD TV. Oh, she loved it and the thought. I really thought I had hit a home run for a while. The euphoric feeling became one of total dismay when, on Monday, we realized the unit required an HDMI cable. There was a under current floating around of "how stupid can you be?" The under current was coming my way as you might have guessed. So out I go like a puppy with his tail between his legs only to be met by utter chaos at Wal-Mart. Every shopping cart rule was being violated. The motorized carts were tooling around Wal-Mart like they were warming the tires up to race at Indianapolis. They all were full throttle being operated by the morbidly obese. I have nothing against the obese since I am one of them but when they are threatening shoppers with wild driving, I take exception. I get the cable and attempt get out of electronics. The aisle in front of me is blocked by an exasperated customer who is arguing with a 17 year old Electronic Technician. OK, turn around - oops, blocked there by three carts. Okay, I can go left or right if I move up a few feet. Looking right is not good. There is an extended family standing there holding a reunion. To the left is my only hope but first I have to get past the screaming kids who are running loose then get the 2-star security lady who is talking (flirting) with a guy and his kid to move. I start inching forward. Just as I was about to hit them, the guy flinched a little but just enough for me to make my move. I push forward and he had no recourse but to yield. One has to be a little bold.
I arrive in the grocery part of Wal-Mart. All I need is 6 eggs, some burger, a block of American cheese, paper towels and loaf of bread. In the egg section looking for a half dozen eggs. Apparently, we are out of step with society, all I can buy are a dozen or a dozen and a half. I would have bought a dozen but Sue, my current wife, specifically told me to get only 6 because we don't have room in the frig. Fine, forget it. I get the paper towels and bread without incident. I find the cheese display and to my shock, they do not carry blocks of American cheese. All they have is Velveeta and I know that isn't going to fly so off I go for burger. I am a bit fussy with meat being an Iowa farm boy you know. If I don't know where the meat came from, I won't buy it. The labeling of the WalMart burger made no mention, reference or hint as to the origin of this meat and I can't for sure guarantee that it was really hamburger. I give up. Off to check out. I get in a line of reasonable length. OMG, the clerk and the people in front of me are S L O W!!! I am in line almost as long as I was shopping. Oh well, so much for a quick trip. Now I have to go to Hy-Vee
The cable is installed and Sue is happy now. I am relatively at peace with my Christmas gifts - a new belt, billfold, and jacket from Debby, the younger (she is still an elder but is off of the session), amongst other things. I am savoring every mouthful of the Organic Custom blend French Roast from Jenny, the elder, brewed in .....wait for it.......my new French Coffee Press! That stuff is good while I read the instruction manual to.....yep, wait for it again......a new sewing machine. I am duded out by gosh.
Now that I am sipping my Organic French Roast brewed in my authentic French Coffee Press, I am finding it easier to take on the world. I am at peace and am reminded of a saying that Sue shared with me. It goes like this: "WooHoo!!"
O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the hair
Gold in the teeth
Crystals in the kidneys
Sugar in the blood
Lead in the ass
Iron in the arteries
and
An inexhaustible supply of natural gas.
She went on to say "I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth!" Now, I don't think this was an original thought on her part, I suspect it may have been shared by someone. I do truly feel so rich. I hope all of my friends have a Happy New Year. Please take care if traveling. God willing I will be back with you next year. TA!
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