Drivel Over Coffee #262 5/27/2015

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. Mark Twain

Once again The Drivel is ready for your regurgitation. I respectfully submit the following only in the hopes a smile will come to you at least once. BTW, (By The Way) did you know the most interesting guy in the world and spokesman for Dos Equis beer is NOT Spanish as one would assume. He is Jewish.

Fell asleep last night contemplating my navel. Sadly, I did not reach an epiphany. Will try again tonight.

Best Divorce Letters Ever. Feel free to use them as templates if you care to.

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to

you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your Ex-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

The reply

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar. It was tense!

Adult Truths

• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• There is great need for a sarcasm font.
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
• I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
• The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Here's to all the people who remain unharmed because I have coffee and a sense of humor. Remember, there is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!