“Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, And if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then let's face it... You're probably drunk! Merry Christmas and a Happy 2015. OK enough of this Christmas stuff.
I spoke too soon. I have a couple more Christmas items for you to chew on. When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not very many people know this, I certainly didn't.
Sven and Jenny, the elder, are officially one year older now. We celebrated by eating. I mean what else do you do the day after Christmas? We dined at the Butcher Block restaurant and were pleased with the service and the food selections. Although I wasn't hungry, I ordered a good sized burger and fries. My current wife, Sue, always says my eyes are bigger than my stomach. I disagree. I don't see how anything can be bigger than my stomach. In reality, I still think I am 18 and participating in all sorts of sports. The mind is a tricky thing indeed. Well, Sven and Debby, the younger elder, spied a couple of things on the menu that they both wanted to try. So they each ordered one of the items and then shared them. The Monster Burger arrived. It was about 8 inches tall. I don't even know what all was on it but they stated it lived up to its name. Our appetizer, The Volcano, was equally impressive. By all accounts, we did a good job celebrating it seems.
After being married for forty plus years, Sue asked me to describe her. I looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." My current wife asked: "What the hell does that mean?" I said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot". Sue smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" I need to explain at this point that I have an affliction where my mouth spews forth words before my brain has had time to pass judgement on the reply. Keep this in mind because I responded: "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in my eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving my testicles.
I grew up on a farm in the middle of Iowa. I remember our first grade teacher, Mrs. Sheehan I think, reading the story of Chicken Little to us. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. Mrs. Sheehan read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" She paused then asked us, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One of my classmates, Sarah I think, raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy crap! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
An old lady gets caught shoplifting. On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replies, "A can of peaches." So the judge trying to figure out how to punish her says, "How many peaches where in the can?" The lady says "6" so the judge says OK then 1 day per peach in jail that will be 6 days' time served. The judge says would anyone like to say anything and her husband says your honor, "She stole a can of peas too."
I have seen funny quotes from court cases floating around the internet for some time. I ran across some amusing ones from a book called 'Disorder in the Courts of America'. Here are a couple of examples.
Attorney: What was the first thing your Husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
I hope you all have a Happy New Year and trust 2015 will be kind to you. My 250th issue will be the last blog for a while. I need to get recharged and clear my mind of all the clutter stored up there. My plan is to return February 3rd. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. Now, until we meet again. -TA!
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