When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation! Anon.
Good Morning Folks! How are you today? Is it frigid where you are? Yup, cold here too. I just delivered my waste products to the curb in compliance with the dictates of the Sanitation Department and Solid Waste Agency. My city supplied containers don't appreciate this cold weather. They really didn't want to roll to the curb and they seemed a bit stiff. They may shatter when the truck grabs them and shakes the heck out of them.
I told you some time ago that I discovered a clothes pin in my feather pillow. I have been unable to figure out how it got there. Google had no help for this problem either. Having suffered from headaches and trouble sleeping, I decided to take action. I realized that this clothes pin was just like that story of a pea under a stake of mattresses. Can't remember anything else about the story but anyhow sleeping with a clothes pin in your feather pillow is just like sleeping on a stack of beds with a pea under them.
I carefully made an incision about an inch long on the seam after having maneuvered the pin as close to the seam as possible. I was cognizant of the risk of goose down and feathers escaping so I was exercising extreme care. I applied my long-nosed pliers to the clothes pin and slowly began extracting it from the pillow. You may see where this is going. I got the clothes pin removed from the pillow but not without consequences. Those consequences being down and feathers everywhere despite my carefully planned and executed extraction. I secure the seam with needle and thread once I retrieved as much of the material that had extracted itself. To say the least, the current wife was not impressed with my plan. I got the vacuum out and just as I was about to sweep the remaining mess up, the furnace comes on. Naturally, most of down and feathers were near a furnace register. Close your eyes and picture the aftermath of a pillow fight when you were a kid. That was about the way our dining room looked. Finally got the mess cleaned up.
I think I mentioned that we got a new car, a Chevy Equinox. Since we got it home a couple of weeks ago, we have been configuring the electronics. Not an easy task believe me. The “infotainment” system has its very own manual. There are a seemingly million icons and things to try to figure out. This thing has a light and chime if you veer into another lane. It has a big red flashing gizmo and buzzer that goes off if you tailgate a car too closely. What the heck, there goes the fun. I think they are trying to reduce road rage. Now backing up is no piece of cake either. My outside mirrors turn down to see the street better, each of them have a blind spot mirror you have to check, I have camera showing me what is behind me, there is a buzzer warning if I get too close to an object which I should be able to see in the video anyway. I have to check the rear view mirror also. I am now taking approximately a minute to back out of a parking stall compared to just a few seconds with the old car. I may be doing something wrong. I may have to get Jenny, the elder and Sven, the engineer to help me out. I never thought cars could change so much in a mere 9 years. What is the world coming to?
Sue, my current wife, got a new smart phone for her birthday last year. She had a Blackberry prior to that. Well, it took her a year or two to get accustomed to the Blackberry. Shoot, she was just getting used to it when the contract expired. She now has a Samsung gizmo. It has so much stuff on it. She related to me that she had been in the work force for 40 plus years, playing softball, raising kids and volunteering all without a cell phone that takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. Under duress she signed up for Facebook and Twitter on her phone at the prodding of Jenny, the elder and Debby the younger. For once, I had the clarity of thought to stay completely away from this. She said she didn't know what she would do with these things on a cell phone but Twitter should be simple since there is a 140 character limit. Wrong! She is now hooked up to Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie, and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world. Her phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. It is particularly frustrating in church when it proudly announces “You have 323 emails” in the middle of the sermon. Apparently there is no way to disable this feature. Definitely need to get Sven involved. Personally, I can't live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag. Oh, I check it once in a while just to be reminded of what I have missed which is usually very little. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."
The world is just getting too complex for the both of us. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?"question every time I check out, just knocks me for a loop. I tried to get around it by buying some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
One of my Drivelers sent me a neat list. It is titled “Cool facts from 100 years ago.” I thought I would share some of these with you.
- The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.
- Sugar cost four cents a pound.
- Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
- Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
- Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
- Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.
- Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.
- There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
- The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.
- Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union
If you have read this far, you may want to consider not reading the rest of this. Some people may feel it is a bit insensitive, graphic and inappropriate but I feel compelled to relate this experience I had with one of those pills you take for “ED”. Watching TV you can hardly miss their commercials. They are on every station. First they tout the virtues and positive results by taking their product. Usually the visual is some type of sensuous scene and has the music to accompany it. At the end of each and every commercial comes the CYA stuff – the disclaimers. With this product they always state “Should arousal last longer than 4 hours, call your doctor. I have never heard anywhere what is done if you encounter this condition. What will the doctor do? Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I had and occasion to experience this phenomenon. Dutifully I called my doctor. Ring - “Hi, this is “my name”, I need to talk to the doctor.” The receptionist asks “What is the problem, maybe someone else can help?” “I need to talk with the doctor, he is the only one that can help and it is a rather personal matter, if you know what I mean?” The phone goes silent for a moment. After what seemed like a half hour, the doctor gets on the line. “Hey, Doyce how's it going?” I respond, “Well Doc, you see I took this pill, you know the one I mean? I still have a full head of steam after 4 hours, and I am supposed to call you when this happens.” The Doc hesitates; I can hear some muffled noise that kind of sounded like laughter. Doc comes back on the line and says, “Congratulations!” and plays “We Are The Champions” by Queen into the telephone and hangs up. Well..... I guess I know now what happens after four hours. Exhausted but still with the “problem”, I finally was able to go to sleep. I woke in the morning with everything seemingly normal. I wonder if there is a return policy on these meds? Enough said.
I have to close this before I get into even more hot water. My current wife may well become my former wife if she reads this little ditty. My coffee is gone, of course, but one last comment regarding health. I watched “The Biggest Loser” last night. There challenge was to run a 5K. These people have been working out for 4 weeks at this point. The winners, 2 women weighing in at 225 lbs or more finished in 38 minutes. Now that's not a great time in the world of 5K but it hit me right between my eyes knowing that I trained for almost a year and was in the 50 minutes range. I had to admit to myself that I must be the biggest loser but not in the weight department. Just can't figure out how to get better. With that admission, I will conclude this issue of Drivel on Hysteria Lane. Till we next meet, TA!
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