tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41780321265007336662024-03-21T08:15:32.637-05:00Drivel Over CoffeeDoyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.comBlogger289125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-57530901058554149362015-11-24T08:26:00.002-06:002015-11-24T08:26:45.566-06:00Drivel Over Coffee #288 11/24/2015
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>“Some men see things as they are and say why – I dream things that never were and say why not.” George Bernard Shaw </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Are you ready for the turkey? Yep, me too. Sven and Svenette are hosting this year. Really looking forward to it. It is always a good time except it is just too brief. With these two cooking I am assured of a fantastic meal. This will be the final Drivel for 2015. Seems as though we have covered a lot of ground this year albeit inconsequential at best. I don't think my ramblings will garner any awards but I think it will cause a smile or two occasionally. <br /><br />During my winter sabbatical I will be exploring the viability of starting a 501C3 non-profit. I have ranted on numerous occasions about the epidemic of 'stupid' spreading around our country. I feel someone needs to step up and take my fight to another level. My group will be named Stamp Out Stupid (SOS). It is estimated by someone I think that 1 out of 4 Americans has been ravaged by stupid. Little is known just how it is transmitted but since it has been tracked it has been seen to spread particularly among the younger generations for some reason. I will have more on this next year. <br /><br />I have been looking at a couple of places to spend some of the winter where the weather is more welcoming. I just can't decide though. Now take Phoenix, Arizona where <br /><br />1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade. <br />2. You've experienced condensation on your behind from the hot water in the toilet bowl. <br />3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. <br />4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. <br />5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. <br />6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? <br /><br />Or, I can go to Florida, where <br /><br />1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.<br />2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars. <br />3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist. <br />4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.<br />5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people. <br /><br />Do you have suggestions? Is one of these better than the other? Probably just move my recliner to the south side of the family room like always and stay stuck in Iowa for another year. <br /><br />My current wife, Sue, and I went out to eat the other night. Our meal was brought to our table in due time. After a bit I waved for the waiter to come over. He saw me wave and walked over to our table. “How did you find your steak, sir?” “Well,” I replied, “it was simple. I just lifted up a Brussels sprout, and there it was!” <br /><br />Senior Dress Code – Now this is important so PLEASE read this. Many of us “Old Folks” (those over 50, WAY over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided. <br /><br />1. A nose ring and bifocals. <br />2. Spike hair and bald spots. <br />3. A pierced tongue and dentures. <br />4. Mini-skirts and support hose. <br />5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads. <br />6. Speedo's and cellulite. <br />7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar. <br />8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor. <br />9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge. <br />10. Bikinis and liver spots. <br />11. Short shorts and varicose veins. <br />12. Inline skates and a walker.<br />And last, but not least and my personal favorite. <br />13 Thongs and Depends. <br /><br />A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to mind.” <br /><br />The pastor shouted out “CROSS.” Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, “THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.” The pastor hollered out “GRACE”. The congregation began to sing “AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.” The pastor said “POWER.” The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.” The pastor said “SEX.” The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from way in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing “PRECIOUS MEMORIES.” Gotta love little old ladies! <br /><br />While on the subject of religion, God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, “Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning.'” “Oh, is that so? Tell me,” replies God. “Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.” “Well, that's interesting. Show me.” So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil. “Oh, no, no, no,” interrupted God, “Get your own dirt.” <br /><br />Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" We who have seen war never stop seeing it. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA! <br /> </span>
Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-46911277491373938112015-11-17T13:05:00.003-06:002015-11-17T13:05:41.946-06:00Drivel Over Coffee #287 11/17/2015
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>In war, there are no unwounded soldiers. Jose Narosky </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />It is a great morning in the neighborhood. Hi everyone. Trash pickup today. It made it to the curb on time for the 468th time in a row. The Garbage Gestapo sent me a certificate when I hit 450. Yippee! Threw it away, of course. Today is a cloudy day, chilly and rainy. What if this is actually the best moment of your life? Wouldn't that suck? BTW – Next week's Drivel Over Coffee will be the last one for this year. I am taking an extended holiday to allow my brain to recover. <br /><br />You may not have realized that yesterday was “Slap-An-Idiot Monday”. Almost missed it myself until I went to Walmart. I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity! <br /><br />Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair. Mr. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. <br /><br />Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. <br /><br />Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on, if not, join the majority and do nothing. <br /><br />Last Wednesday was Veterans Day. I was so appreciative for all of the best wishes and thoughts extended to me. We must always be reminded that these men and women serve, get wounded, and die at the direction of their government – right or wrong. They serve without question to protect the freedoms you take for granted. Remember the words of Lee Greenwood, “And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.” <br /><br />I'll be sitting here until my current wife calms down. You see she asked: “What's on the TV?” and I answered: “Dust.” It's All My Fault – <br /><br />It has been a while since I have exercised on a regular basis. It is really hard to get back into the routine. I have been searching for that motivation and just can't find it. I joined a health club several years ago, spent about $400 a year. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Now take my grandmother for instance. She started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is. Jogging is not my most favorite exercise activity. The only reason I jog is so that I can hear heavy breathing again but it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. <br /><br />My current wife, Sue, James (not his real name), his bride and I went out for supper last week to a restaurant that we kind of like. The service was slow for some reason. We finally received our food after a long wait. “Are you the one who took our order?” I asked. “Yes, sir,” she replied politely. “Well, I'll be darned!” I exclaimed. “You don't look a day older!” <br /><br />I read a story on-line a while back. A small boy saved his friend from drowning in an icy lake. When a TV reporter asked him what made him risk his life, he innocently replied, “He was wearing my skates.” <br /><br />My brother was talking to a farmer friend of his. The farmer said to my brother, “I once made a scarecrow so terrible that it frightened every single crow off the place.” “Oh, that's nothing,” my brother replied. “I once made one so terrible that the crows brought back the corn they stole the year before!” <br /><br />Conan O'Brien reported, “It is rumored that the new iPhones are going to use facial recognition technology to unlock your phone. Of course, if you live in Los Angeles the iPhone will store up to six of your previous faces.” <br /><br />We haven't taken a look at the Top Ten Billboard in a long time. Today in 1969 I was in Vietnam and the No. 1 song was Hey Jude by the Beatles. This was followed by Love Child (Supremes), Those Were The Days (Mary Hopkin), Magic Carpet Ride (Steppenwolf), Abraham, Martin and John (Dion), White Room (Cream), Hold Me Tight (Johnny Nash), Who's Making Love (Johnnie Taylor), Little Green Apples (O.C. Smith), and Wichita Lineman (Glen Campbell). I like the Hey Jude song. For years this song was played between the third and fourth quarters of the Hawkeye football games. It was also the No.1 hit of 1968. <br /><br />Today is Unfriend day. Ever scrolled through your Facebook and realized you don’t recognize half the names popping up in your News Feed? Friend list at 1000 people and counting? Is your wall cluttered with posts you don’t care about from people you don’t remember? Are you sick and tired of all of the TV show spoilers, conceited selfies, constant game invitations and endless photo sessions of someone’s dog/baby/vacation that you are being bombarded with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 day a year? If you’ve answered yes to at least one of these questions, then Unfriend Day is probably the perfect the holiday for you! <br /><br />Comedian Jimmy Kimmel founded Unfriend Day in 2014 to combat the growing trend of social media profiles collecting ‘friends’ like Pokemon cards, amassing a ridiculous amount of ‘friends’ they barely know at all in short periods of time. Getting rid of distant acquaintances on Unfriend Day can help streamline your internet experience, allowing you to use your profiles to keep in touch with people you really care about, and preserving the true definition of ‘friend.’ <br /><br />Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" We who have seen war never stop seeing it. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-2477797606228745342015-11-10T09:19:00.006-06:002015-11-10T09:19:49.184-06:00Drivel Over Coffee #286 11/10/2015<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><b>It doesn't matter if it's a relationship, a lifestyle, or a job. If it doesn’t make you happy let it go. </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />Tuesday already – hard to believe. I am always amazed at just how time flies. Seems like it was 1969 only yesterday. I really don't know what happened in between. <br /><br />I will never understand why it's acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out. As Stuart, the minion, would say, “Run for your life! There are stupid people everywhere!” Apparently, when you treat people the same way they treat you, they get offended! <br /><br />Tomorrow is Veterans Day. Take a moment to give thanks to All of the women and men who were sent off to fight wars on foreign soil for a cause not of their choosing and who returned changed forever. Either they died too young, were wounded by the enemies bullets or damaged mentally by the horror of war forever. Shake a vet's hand, pat him/her on their back or give them a shout out. As a Vietnam veteran I am most familiar with this era. 2,709,918 Americans served in Vietnam, this number represents 9.7% of their generation and includes 7,484 women that served also. 58,202 soldiers died with 61% being 21 years old or younger; eleven women died. 303,704 soldiers were wounded. Rather sobering I would say. God Bless. </span><br />
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<i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Seniors Guide to Texting Abbreviations </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span></b></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>ATD:</b> At The Doctor's </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>BFF:</b> Best Friend Fell </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>BTW:</b> Bring The Wheelchair </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>BYOT:</b> Bring Your Own Teeth </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>CBM:</b> Covered By Medicare </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>CUATSC:</b> See You At The Senior Center </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>DWI:</b> Driving While Incontinent </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>FWB:</b> Friend With Beta Blockers </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>FWIW:</b> Forgot Where I Was </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>FYI:</b> Found Your Insulin </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>GGPBL:</b> Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low! </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>GHA:</b> Got Heartburn Again </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>HGBM: </b>Had Good Bowel Movement </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>IMHO: </b>Is My Hearing-Aid On? </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>LMDO:</b> Laughing My Dentures Out </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>LOL:</b> Living On Lipitor </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>OMMR:</b> On My Massage Recliner </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>OMSG:</b> Oh My! Sorry, Gas. </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>ROFL...</b> CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... Can't Get Up</span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>SGGP:</b> Sorry, Gotta Go Poop </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>TTYL:</b> Talk To You Louder!</span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>WAITT:</b> Who Am I Talking To? </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>WMP:</b> Wet My Pants</span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>WTP:</b> Where's The Prunes? </span><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>WWNO:</b> Walker Wheels Need Oil </span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>GGLKI:</b> Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. <br /><br />'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. <br /><br />Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.” <br /><br />A week after Billy Bob's brother, John, bought a bull, he complained to a friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. <br /><br />The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. <br /><br />“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.” Billy Bob passed samples around at the Old Farts Coffee Klatch last week. <br /><br />Forgot to do yoga yesterday. That makes it 6 years in a row now. Believe it or not, I am in shape. Unfortunately that shape is a potato. I thought I was losing weight but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied. <br /><br />Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. <br /><br />“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” <br /><br />A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!” <br /><br />I was standing at the bar one night with a buddy, minding my own business. This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my rear-end and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?" I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?" She said "Yea, I got a pen". I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you". Cost me 6 stitches! <br /><br />The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. <br /><br />At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. <br /><br />The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. <br /><br />But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. <br /><br />Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him, and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since. <br /><br />Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" We who have seen war never stop seeing it. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-31492834953037854222015-11-03T09:39:00.000-06:002015-11-03T09:39:10.893-06:00Drivel Over Coffee #285 11/3/2015
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>Oh Lord, Please keep all the stupid people from breeding. We're getting badly outnumbered down here. </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Happy November! Where does the time go? Finally, I can Christmas shop with a fairly clear conscience now that Halloween is over. BTW - Googleheimers – (noun) condition in which you think of something you want to look up, then forget what it is by the time you get to the computer. <br /><br />When told the reason for daylight savings time the Old Indian said, “Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket.” <br /><br />Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.... <br /><br />Dear Sir: <br /><br />I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. <br /><br />I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. <br /><br />You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. <br /><br />As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. <br /><br />I hope this answers your inquiry. <br /><i><b><br /></b></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>When I die I want my last words to be,</b></i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b> “I left a million dollars under the ….....” </b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">In the fall of the year, I am reminded that I also am in the fall of my life. There are so many things left to do but little desire to do them. My days have become predictable and frankly, boring. I find that I have become very, very angry with our government, from the administration, congress, and bureaucrats. Day after day the news brings to light another incidence of disregarding of the law, ethics, and morals to achieve a personal greedy goal. Is it no wonder then that as you drill down in our society we find this same mind set having permeated to each of us. No wonder we shoot cops with no remorse, or send our young men to war knowing they will die for some inane excuse. Makes one sick. Tell me, what can we as individuals, do to right the ship? Obviously, no one else will. OK, rant is over. <br /><br />Yesterday my current wife and I got into a one-upsmanship discussion. It went something like this. I stated, “Golden years, my foot... Your hair has turned to silver and my ass has turned to lead!” She replied, “I don't think of my skin as saggy..... I think of it as relaxed-fit!” Gotcha. I explained to her that when I go to the barbershop I get the “Express Chair” (12 hairs or less). She ends the discussion with “You know you're getting old when you have a hole between your boobs.. and it's called a belly button.” Moving on.... <br /><br />Please excuse my crassness but I just couldn't pass up clarifying the confusion that exists between these two terms. I would substitute a word where appropriate but I am afraid it doesn't really make much sense so I opted to leave as is. There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295. <br /><br /><b>GUTS</b> - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?” <br /><br /><b>BALLS</b> - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' <br /><br />I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal. <br /><br />Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" We who have seen war never stop seeing it. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-60973930333561593182015-10-27T13:12:00.002-05:002015-10-27T13:13:12.625-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #284 10/27/2015<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Oh Lord, Please keep all the stupid people from breeding. </span></b></i><br />
<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">We're getting badly outnumbered down here.</span></b></i></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Can you believe it – the last week of October already? Just where did spring, summer and fall go? It won't be long now until I have to stop wearing shorts and put on long pants. Hate those darn things. Next it will snow and get cold for an eternity. Yuk! I have been told snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Never thought of it that way. I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” imprinted on it. I said, “Left Tackle?” Her right hook was awesome.<br /><br />The guys at the Old Farts Coffee Klatch were telling stories about their school days. Billy Bob was pretty quiet – he dropped out in the eighth grade. The stories began to change to bragging about athletic prowess, scholarly achievements and so forth. My only contribution was the closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. <br /><br />Actually, I told my buddies about the exam that I received a zero (0) on. Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct. The teacher had no sense of humor. I remember it like yesterday. Here are the questions with my answers. <br /><br />Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die? Answer: his last battle. <br />Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? Answer: at the bottom of the page. <br />Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state? Answer: liquid. <br />Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce? Answer: marriage. <br />Q5.. What is the main reason for failure? Answer: exams. <br />Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast? Answer: Lunch & dinner <br />Q7.. What looks like half an apple? Answer: The other half. <br />Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become? Answer: Wet <br />Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? Answer: No problem, he sleeps at night. <br />Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? Answer: You will never find an elephant that has one hand. <br />Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Answer: Very large hands <br />Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? Answer: No time at all, the wall is already built. <br />Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Answer: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack. <br /><br />These guys know I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here. I commented that every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive. That confused Spud for a while. Now I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. I got that “high” last week when a nimrod kicked over a bucket of meal worms right under out table. Thankfully, Jimmie, the owner of the Jimmy's Grill & Bait Shop was all over it. Those worms end up in a cup of dark roast too easily. <br /><br />I told the gang as I was hopping around trying not to squish the meal worms that now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. I got them to chuckle at that. I explained to them that a while back I signed up for an exercise class. I was told to wear loose fitting clothing. Hell, if I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class! <br /><br />Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Is it any wonder Seniors get confused?<br /><br /><img border="0" height="150" src="https://gallery.mailchimp.com/34dcfc0a91102ec1b8f40af94/images/c3f4cbec-8402-4acb-959a-2229f036b66d.jpg" width="200" /><img border="0" height="150" src="https://gallery.mailchimp.com/34dcfc0a91102ec1b8f40af94/images/7b4f0f8e-e036-430a-a819-d0a245fd0525.jpg" width="200" /><img border="0" height="200" src="https://gallery.mailchimp.com/34dcfc0a91102ec1b8f40af94/images/7a40a11d-9372-49b6-b989-334753f76fac.jpg" width="163" /><img border="0" height="200" src="https://gallery.mailchimp.com/34dcfc0a91102ec1b8f40af94/images/cc50b654-641a-4a78-a73d-82691a12d6df.jpg" width="160" /><br /><br /> I had one of those dastardly prostate exams. No not the one where you drink gallons of yukky stuff, sit on the pot and then go to the hospital. This was the old fashioned kind – bend over and cough type. So after my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words no man wants to hear: “Who was that?” <br /><br />Yesterday I was at the Hy-Vee (our large food chain in Iowa) buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Murphy, the Boston Terrier and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. <br /><br />I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) <br /><br />Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. Oh my, no, I told her, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Hy-Vee won't let me shop here anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. <br /><br />Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" We who have seen war never stop seeing it. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-29245054642399464792015-10-20T16:15:00.000-05:002015-10-20T16:15:36.492-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #283 10/20/2015<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn. </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Good morning you awesome people out there. Just how was your weekend anyway? <br /><br />Sad news this morning. A dear friend of ours has lost her beloved soul-mate today. So sorry to hear this news. Our prayers and thoughts go to the family. <br /><br />Our one year old Boston Terrier, Murphy, has a great time teasing my current wife and me by taking a personal item such as a shoe, running through the house, out the doggie door to the back yard and showing it off to all the neighbors as one of us chase him back and forth in the yard trying to get it from him. I get so mad at him I could strangle him but I can't catch him and he knows it. He taunts and teases us by diving toward us only to side step our desperate lunge to catch him. Yesterday, he comes blasting down the hall with a roll of toilet paper hanging from his jowls and out the doggie dog despite my diving effort to stop him. Out I go with my flip-flops on. I know this is a futile effort but the prospect of a roll of toilet paper being teepee'd all over the yard wasn't too exciting. I execute my due diligence anyhow. <br /><br />Standing at one end of the yard, the roll is being gnawed as he eyes me. Pieces of the white 2 ply paper float away as he rips them off the roll. I “casually” saunter toward him. Once I get within 5 feet of him, off he goes to the other side, toilet paper flapping in the breeze as he runs. He sits for a moment and bounces the roll on the ground; rolling it, chewing it, spitting chunks out as he waits for me. Again, “casually” walking toward him, I get to the magic 5 foot mark and off he goes to the other end again. More toilet paper tearing off, carried by the wind to all parts of the yard. I try this four more times with the same results. Out of breath and unable to chase anymore, I give up and go inside knowing that I will be spending an hour or so cleaning up. The last resort is to yell “Treat”. He will come in sometimes if I yell that. If I call his name, Murphy, I may get a sideways glance as an acknowledgment but no movement toward the house. “Treat” only works if he feels he has teased me long enough. This time he came for a treat and was kind enough to return with the remainder of the toilet paper. Such a good dog. I know, I know, believe me, giving a treat is rewarding bad behavior but it is an act of desperation. We do our best to eliminate these temptations but he always seems to find a way. Such a good dog. <br /><br />African heart-nosed bats have such a keen sense of sound that they can hear the footsteps of a beetle walking on sand from six feet away. <br /><br />My mom always told me when I was a kid to be sure that I wore clean underwear. Every time she told me, I would ask why. She always replied that if I were in an accident and went to the hospital, I needed clean underwear. I never really believed her after I had gotten into my teen years. I reasoned that if I were injured that badly, I just may have soiled myself in the process therefore making her argument invalid. Never in my day was the idea of not wearing any underwear EVER contemplated. It never crossed our minds but I came across a story the other day from the Northwest Florida Daily News where this became an issue. <br /><br />It is about a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. <br /><br />Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back in place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head. <br /><br />Now you see, it is not only necessary to wear clean underwear but also any underwear. My mom would of course say something like, “I told you so.” Oh those moms were so smart when I was a kid. <br /><br />One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I'm not going.” “Why not?” she asked. “I'll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them.” His mother replied, “I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!” <br /><br />I had an occasion to take a road trip with my friend Charles, not his real name, last week. He has pestered me for 3 years to go with him to make a tater and cheese run. Now this may not sound especially enticing to most of you but some of us like our taters and cheese. Charles kept telling me about a place called Churchtown, Iowa. I had never heard of it and was a little dubious that it really existed. Away we go in his pickup truck way up into the hoot and hollers of northeastern Iowa. I saw things that I have never seen before. Like I saw 2 states besides Iowa. I wasn't all that impressed but at least I can say that. I saw places like Monona, Volney, Rossville, and Waukon on the way. We skirted St. Olaf where it is rumored that they pass in the “St. Olaf song books” when Iowa Men's Basketball has secured a victory. Charles eagerly educated me on the designs of the various court houses that we passed and also told where the restrooms were in case it should be something I might require at another time. <br /><br />The Calhoun Creamery in Churchtown was open and a Fraulein was waiting to show us into the locker but Charles knew the way so she just stood back. I think the crazed look in our eyes scared her a little. I was like a kid in a candy store. I loaded my arms full in about 30 seconds, dropped them off with the clerk and went back for seconds. This time I took my sweet time – maybe two minutes and I came out with another arm load. She tallies my purchases up and Charlies almost had a heart stoppage when hearing my total. <br /><br />That was the cheese part of the trip. Our real objective was picking up taters. This is a bigger deal. Once a year a local store gets a semi load of potatoes in 20 pound bags. The locals rush in and grab them up as fast as they can so they will keep throughout the winter months. A couple of city kids in our church breakfast group learned of this. For the last few years they have been going up there when the semi comes in and buying a few HUNDRED pounds of potatoes. They bring them back and distribute them to various needy groups around town. This year we brought back 1200 pounds. Being a greedy sort, I took 20 pounds for myself. This is one of the many charitable missions which the congregation of our church conduct. Most of these are little publicized but they do a lot of good for many people. <br /><br />Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. We who have seen war never stop seeing it. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-41345326603070652132015-10-13T10:09:00.001-05:002015-10-13T10:09:27.188-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #282 10/13/2015
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>“Discovery is seeing what everybody else has seen, and thinking what nobody else has thought.” </b></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>Dr. Albert Szent-Gyorgyi </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Some people are like a bag Pampers, self-absorbed and full of shit. And good morning to all. This fall Iowa weather has been FANTASTIC. As Jim Zabel, Iowa Hawkeye Radio Announcer, would say: I Love it, I Love it, I Love it!!!! <br /><br />WAS THIS US? <br /><br />A little house with three bedrooms, one bathroom (indoor) and one car on the street or maybe an old farm house slightly worse for wear. A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat. In the kitchen on the wall was our one phone on a party line, no need for recording things as someone was always home. We had a living room where we would congregate, unless it was at mealtime then we were in the kitchen where we ate. There was no need for family rooms, dens or extra rooms to dine. When meeting as a family those two rooms worked out just fine. We had one TV with maybe two channels, but there always was one of them with something worth watching. For snacks we had popcorn with salt and butter; maybe an apple. Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook. Nothing compared to snacks in Betty Crocker's book. <br /><br />Weekends were a time of leisure. Shopping usually on Saturday topped off with an ice cream cone for the ride home. Sunday was a day of rest with church, a picnic perhaps, staying home to play, and a nap of course. Sunday at dusk was a time to pile in the car to look at how the crops were doing. Sunday was a family day. On Sunday all the businesses were closed anyway. Sometimes we would get a baseball game together with family and friends you know, real action – no video games. Oh there were times we would separate to do things on our own, but we always knew where the others were even without a cell phone. <br /><br />Then there were the movies with our favorite movie star. Nothing compares to watching movies from our car at a drive-in theater. Oh, wait, there was the skating rink on Wednesday and Friday. In our town this was a must. Being a farming family, we had a picnic lunch many days in the field. Sitting in the dirt in the shade of a tractor tire. How good does it have to be? <br /><br />I remember when the doctor used to be a family friend, we didn't need insurance or a lawyer? You could trust the way he took care of you, because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you. This included your dentist and eye doctor. There were few specialist to deal with. Usually illnesses, scraps, cuts and etc. were tended to by our in-house nurse – mom. As long as she had a band aid and iodine, you would recover. Yes, mom would always say, “It won't hurt.” It always did though. The methods and tools used back then were very rudimentary by today's standards. <br /><br />I remember going shopping when you used money to pay for the items. Yes, good old hard cash, nothing that you had to swipe, and remember when the cashier had to really count to make change? There just wasn't any identity theft back then either unless you lost your wallet or something. Several businesses came to your door selling their wares. The milkman would go from door to door. It cost just a few cents more than going to the store. We would have a Fuller Brush man, the Watkins person and a shop tools guy. I liked the Fuller Brush guy since he always had a free gift. Yes, he sold brushes and etc. The Watkins products were great especially their vanilla. There was a time when letters were delivered right to your door, the postman delivered mail that didn't have a lot of junk mail. The mailman knew each house by name; there wasn't anyone named “Present Occupant." in those days. <br /><br />Oh sure, we had our problems, just like we do today. We were always striving to find a better way. Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun. Boys would put baseball cards between bicycle spokes. Feed a nickel into red machines and get a glass bottle Coke. Put a bag of Planter Peanuts in it and heaven was right there. This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways. I love the new technology but I sure do miss those days. So time moves on and so do we and nothing stays the same, but I sure love to reminisce with a walk down memory lane. It's fun to look way back and say, hey look, guys, THAT WAS US! <br /><br />I don't like them, have never liked them and will never like them, however, fry them, poach them, boil or bake them – any way you crack them, eggs are delicious. I get harassed all the time at our Men's Breakfast meetings. I have always felt eggs should only be used as ingredients in desserts and etc. As much as we rely on them for breakfast, lunch and dinner (and dessert, of course!), there are many interesting facts about eggs that aren’t common knowledge. Enjoy a few of these lesser known tidbits: <br /><br />It takes a hen between 24 and 26 hours to develop an egg. Once she lays an egg, the development of a new egg normally starts within 30 minutes. <br /><br />Chickens don’t produce one egg at a time. Instead, producing hens normally has several eggs in various stages of development. <br /><br />Most of today’s egg-laying hens are White Leghorns (white eggs) or Rhode Island Reds and Barred Plymouth Rocks (brown eggs). <br /><br />When it comes to the number of eggs laid each year, Iowa leads the nation with more than 14.8 billion eggs produced annually. Ohio is the next state in line, producing 7.9 billion eggs each year. <br /><br />Cloudy egg whites mean that the eggs are extremely fresh, while clear egg whites are an indicator of older eggs. Cloudiness of raw white is due to the natural presence of carbon dioxide that has not had time to escape through the shell and is an indication of a very fresh egg. As an egg ages, the carbon dioxide escapes and the white becomes more transparent. Other colors in the egg white may be a sign of spoilage, so if it’s not cloudy-white or clear, don’t eat it! <br /><br />Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" <br />Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."<br />Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"<br />Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?" <br /><br />Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. We who have seen war never stop seeing it. TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-36782955575806802862015-10-06T11:20:00.001-05:002015-10-06T11:20:37.677-05:00Drivel Over Coffee 281 10/6/2015
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> <i><b>“Sometimes I think it is my mission to bring faith to the faithless, and doubt to the faithful.” </b></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>― Paul Tillich</b></i> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />FYI – Thursday is “Slap An Idiot Thursday – Line Them Up!!! <br /><br />...A little bit about a lot of things. This week I jotted down phrases that ran through my head. I had wanted to do this for a long time. We all have random thoughts, ideas, verses, wants and desires pass through our brain every minute of every day. I wanted to get an idea how these related to each other; to see a pattern; to gain insight into my inner being. After you read the phrases below you will get a bit of insight to my inner being in turmoil. <br /><br />“You already exceed the limits of my medication.” “Wait! I don't snore, I dream I am a motorcycle.” “Sometimes I laugh so hard, tears run down my leg.” “Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does not mean it should come out of my mouth.” “Some days the supply of curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.” “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened?” “I have yet to find a problem that can't be solved with cheese.” “Yo bro is so bald I can see what's on his mind.” “Does running late count as exercise?” “Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.” “Redneck pickup line: “Nice tooth”.” “I'm not short, I'm FUN size.” “I may be left-handed, but I'm always right.” “It was me who let the dogs out. Get over it already.” “Every time I think things can't get any worse, there's an election.” <br /><br />Any comments? I can pass them on to my therapist. The first one had me doing the third one. Can you say AWKWARD? <br /><br />An article came across my desk last week that I just had to share. It didn't actually cross my desk. I received it as an email. I don't know who it was from but I hope you are Hunky dory after you read this and chuckle... <br /><br />About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry." A bevy of readers have asked me to shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to oblige: <br /><br />Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker and straighten up and fly right. Hubba-hubba! We'd cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or lovers lane. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China! <br /><br />Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore. <br /><br />Like Washington Irving's Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegut's Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Or this is a fine kettle of fish! We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards. <br /><br />Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an organ grinders monkey. <br /><br />Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Where have all those phrases gone? Long time ago: Pshaw. The milkman did it. Think about the starving Armenians. Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston. The very idea! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defense. Fiddlesticks! You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd! And awa-a-ay we go! Oh, my stars and garters! <br /><br />It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff, this winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our heart's deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river. <br /><br />We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging. We can have archaic and eat it, too. See ya later, alligator! See that was fun wasn't it? <br /><br />"An elderly lady was telling my current wife that she had recently joined an aerobics class for seniors at the local fitness center. “How did it go?” asked Sue. “Well, I bent, I twisted, I turned, I jumped up and down, and I perspired for half an hour, but by the time I'd finally got my leotard on, the class had ended." <br /><br />I was walking through Hy-Vee to pick up a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around. Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on. <br /><br />Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," I replied, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure, no problem," I answered. As the old woman was leaving, I called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I had my Hy-Vee Fuel Saver card scanned. Then I saw that my total was $127.50. "How can that be?" I asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. <br /><br />Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. We who have seen war never stop seeing it. After while crocodile. That was pretty neat. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-20160764222569239552015-09-29T13:16:00.002-05:002015-09-29T13:16:36.306-05:00Drivel Over Coffee 280 9/29/2015
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” Yogi Berra </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />...And I am so sad today. We lost one of the great baseball players and most colorful people I have known in my lifetime. Yogi Berra was a catcher for the New York Yankees. He played on 10 world championship teams and 14 pennant winners in 17 full seasons. Played in 75 World Series games. Three-time Most Valuable Player (1951, 1954, 1955). Never finished lower than fourth in MVP voting from 1950-57. Led American League catchers in home runs and RBI in each of nine straight seasons (1949-1957). Selected to play in 15 successive All-Star Games. Played outfield early and late in his career, a total of 260 games. Hit the first pinch hit home run in World Series history (1947). Caught at least 100 games in 10 seasons, and caught both games of 117 doubleheaders. Became one of only four catchers to have a 1.000 fielding percentage for the season (1958). <br /><br />Maybe he will be also remembered for this unique use of the English language. He had a way of realigning and mis-using words to get his message across. I have a few listed below. <br /><br />The future ain't what it used to be. <br />It ain't over till it's over. <br />You can observe a lot by watching. <br />It's Deja vu all over again. <br />A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. <br />I never said most of the things I said. <br />Little league is great, it keeps the parents off the streets. <br />"I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did." <br />"Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical." <br />"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious." <br />"How can you hit and think at the same time?" <br />"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken." <br />"I don't know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads." <br />"If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?" <br />"It ain't the heat, it's the humility." <br />"It gets late early out there." <br />"Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded." <br />"Take it with a grin of salt." <br />"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase." <br />"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours." <br />"We made too many wrong mistakes." <br /><br />Our house has had 2 black pugs (Barney and Max) from Thursday to Sunday. Yes, it was Debby's, the younger elder, annual sojourn to Cranfest in Wisconsin. She trekked up with about 10 to 12 of her closest Cranfesters. Each year has a theme and this year did not disappoint. They dressed as minions and hit Cranfest with a theme of “One in a Minion”. Very cute. The chief driveller, me, successfully managed two dogs with boundless energy and one dog with lots of energy with only two working legs. I managed to wear them out according to my “One in a Minion”. Job well done. <br /><br />Yesterday was a meaningful day here are the Drivel household. Our front door who had been with us since September 1976 has opened us up to the great outdoors for its last time. It is going to where all great front doors go – the dump. Not an elegant way to spend eternity but at least he won't be alone. He left us with dignity and poise. After saying a few word over him in the front yard he is gone. We don't see that type of thing on Hysteria Lane too often. I took a picture and emailed to the local TV station like they always tell you to do. They didn't feel it had broad enough appeal and deleted it just like that. On a brighter note, the new replacement looks stunning and I am certain that it will serve us well. Murphy has not “christened” it yet but has been practicing frequently in the back yard. <br /><br />Today is World Heart Day and is part of an international campaign to spread awareness about heart disease and stroke prevention. This is the perfect day to quit smoking, get exercising and start eating healthy – all in the name of keeping your ticker in good working order, and improving the health and well-being of people the world over. <br /><br />My current wife and I journeyed to Dubuque on Sunday to attend a picnic celebration for the pending wedding of Sven's brother and future sister in law. It ran from noon to 4:00. They had a great spread of food and desserts plus a bunch of fun time. We, of course, in our usual ineptness managed to arrive around 2:30. It was at Eagle River Park, I think that was the name. Very nice and very scenic. I watched a barge going through a lock. Don't know just how they do that but they do it. Chef Sven and Chef Jen prepared a ton of pulled pork that was Fantastic. I tried to eat my fill without drawing too much attention. Just wish I had more time to munch and visit. B & H were great hosts. Daughter Deb rewarded our babysitting with handmade butter, a bag of enormous honey crisp apples, 10 year old cedar cheese, hulless popcorn, and apple cider donuts. Pretty good haul for sure. Thanks a bunch. <br /><br />There was a story going around about a blonde woman who was speeding down the road in her little red sports car. She was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. What does it look like? “It's square and it has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop...” <br /><br />I am getting really irritated with our local Mercy Hospital. I get these bills from them as part of my radiation therapy which was covered by the VA. Bills for physical therapy and now speech therapy. I did not agree to or authorize either of these services and they were never presented to be outside of the VA regime. I think it is a pretty sleazy way of them trying to get more money in the process. Really bush league if you ask me. I had better run, I feel a phone call is in order. <br /><br />Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-66662420876113235762015-09-22T13:07:00.001-05:002015-09-22T13:07:18.860-05:00Drivel Over Coffee 279 9/22/2015
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">“Common sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden.”</span></b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">...And I am constantly torn between “treat others how you wanna be treated” and “treat others how they treat you.” So, GOOD MORNING Vietnam WORLD!!!!!! Ever look back and think of some of the people you dated or wanted to date in High School.....and see them on Facebook and think,: Whew! I dodged a bullet on THAT ONE!” <br /><br />Let's start today with a little test. I am assuming you have had at least one cup of French Roast and are thinking more or less logically. First, think of a number between 0 and 20. Remember that number because you had to add 32 to it. Now, you may want to write that down since we are going to multiply by 2 and then subtract 1. Write you answer down. Now close your eyes. It's dark isn't it? <br /><br />Ever question your decision making skills? My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street. <br /><br />So a man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. <br /><br /> A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'" <br /><br />Quite a few years ago early in our marriage and not long after my return from Vietnam, our days were filled with constant arguments. My current wife and I decided the only way to save our marriage was to try professional counseling. We had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was our last straw. When we arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" <br /><br /> Immediately, I held my long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, Sue began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After five, ten, fifteen minutes of listening to her, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. <br /><br /> After that, Sue sat there – speechless. He looked over at me and I was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to me, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" I scratched my head and replied, "Okay, I can have her here by three o'clock on Tuesdays and Thursdays." <br /><br />Fighting boredom? I find myself coping with this most days. A method I find interesting, to me at least, is a fascination with inanimate objects. My latest fascination is with a box of Kleenex. A well placed box of tissue is almost as comforting as your dog. There always or almost always is a tissue standing upright and ready to be of assistance. Whether white or some soothing color or pattern, the tissue is ready. It can wipe tears of sadness or joy from your eyes, wipe your runny nose or blot up any type of liquid. Shoot it is even strong enough to hold together while you blow your nose yet soft enough not to chafe. My tissue stands there asking “How can I be of help”. Kudos to my friend the Kleenex. <br /><br />Progress is being made on the cleaning of the garage. It has been two weeks or more since I started and I think I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. If I can maintain this pace, I will be done before the first snow. Cross your fingers, though, just in case. <br /><br />Well, Iowa Hawkeye fans did you like the outcome of the night game with Pittsburgh? The game was exciting from start to finish. Sure made one proud to be a Hawkeye with the honoring of Nick Gallery and seeing Brett Greenwood leading the swarm out on the field. Feel so bad for him. He was a great player from the Quad Cities area. During a week where we lost Tyler Sash and Roy Marble (also great Hawkeye Athletes). There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Very moving and really exemplified the words “Once A Hawkeye, Always a Hawkeye”. With fingers crossed, maybe this season begins the turn in Hawkeye Football fortunes. <br /><br />I saw a sweatshirt that read, “Nurses; We can't fix Stupid, but we can sedate it! Or restrain it...” <br /><br />Herbie, one of the members of the Old Farts Coffee Klatch, told us about the time he was at the Pizza Ranch for supper. Mid way through the meal, he excused himself so he could relieve himself. A little background on Herbie. Herbie grew up on a farm/ranch. His dad was a frustrated cowboy and Herbie followed in his dad's shoes. As Herbie tells it, he is standing at the urinal in the men's bathroom next to a guy doing the same duty. The guy turns to Herbie and says, “Get them yourself, they are your teeth.” Herbie had sneezed and his false teeth jumped from his mouth into the urinal. Not a pretty thought when you have pizza and fried chicken left on your plate. <br /><br />The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' <br /><br />Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span></span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-58033495283920314312015-09-15T19:12:00.000-05:002015-09-15T19:12:15.715-05:00Drivel Over Coffee 278 9/15/2015
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>“I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>Carl Sandberg </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />...And the top of the morning to you all in Drivel land. Another fine Tuesday. Did you enjoy this weekend full of football? I took most of in as my fantasy football league got started on Sunday. It really doesn't amount to much for me. We have eight teams and I am usually in tenth place. Not as sharp as I once was. Today it is officially “Make A Hat” day. Don't let this slip by. This is a very good activity to do with your spouse or significant other. </span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />This week marks Murphy's one year birthday. He will be having a party on Friday at doggie day care. He is already getting excited. I was talking about him with some friends over the weekend. One of them asked if I had him spoiled yet. My response was, “Yes, he has been spoiled greatly.” Along with that is his training. He has trained us to respond to all of his commands. Things like more treats, more water, time for supper, play with me, and so forth. <br /><br />Last week the Old Farts Coffee Klatch meet once again at Jimmy's Grill & Bait Shop. We have more or less settled on Jimmy's. It is a rather casual place, he washes the coffee cups at least weekly, sweeps the floor as needed (mostly if the worm bucket spills), and the coffee is strong but doesn't eat metal. The deciding factor probably is that Jimmy accepts Billy Bob without question. Other establishments tend to dislike having Billy Bob in their establishments. Billy Bob isn't, how shall we say, the “Mr. Clean” impersonator. That really is more information than you needed. Sorry about that. <br /><br />Anyhow, we decided to try having a short reading at each meeting, sort of like a devotional message but it can be anything the reader chooses. We all thought it was a good idea but none of us were prepared except, yep, Billy Bob. Out of a pocket in the front of his bib overalls he produces a small book. He states he carries it with him all the time and reads from it several times a day. The book, “Thoughts From The Commode...” uses the byline – Inspiring and moving thoughts from the bathroom. We decided to have Billy Bob read the first section and discuss it but most of us we a bit “cautious” about this book written by Michael W. Domis. <br /><br />Highlights in Potty History. A quick view of pottying through the ages: Archeologists have found evidence of sitting-type toilets in Egypt dating back some 3,000 years. The Chinese found the oldest working indoor toilet in their country to be 2,000 years old. It belonged to a king of the Western Han Dynasty. The toilet came complete with running water, a stone seat, and a comfortable armrest. About the same time the Romans had a type of indoor toilet that consisted of a hole in the floor above a sluiceway containing running water. India claims to have found the oldest indoor toilet, dating back 4,500 years. Each house in the village of Lothal had a toilet with running water connected to a pipe which drained the effluent from the house. These advances fell out of use, however, and by 500 CE most people simply went wherever the urge struck them. It wasn't uncommon for people to urinate or defecate in the street in full view of everyone. End of section one. <br /><br />Looking at each other, we experienced an awkward silence lasting what seemed like 5 minutes or more. Finally, Billy Bob pipes up, “What if we still did that today? I mean, shoot, I have to go right now. Would you guys put up with that?” Whew, in unison “NO WAY” we responded. There was some polite chat after that expressing surprise that indoor toilets with running water existed that long ago. We debated whether an outhouse was and “indoor” toilet or not. I was one that thought it technically was indoor. It was enclosed by 4 walls and a roof. Nothing said it had to be attached to a residence. We ended with people relating their experiences with outhouses back in the day. Most were not worthy of repeating here. <br /><br />A Group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young Swiss lass led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. <br /><br />'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' <br /><br />A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!' <br /><br />Had an unfortunate mishap last week. I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?" I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?" She said "Yea", I got a pen". I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you". Cost me 6 stitches. <br /><br />I was thinking back to when I was an impressionable young lad of maybe 8 or 9 years of age a while ago. Remembering things that my folks told me. Like the rumble strips on the highway are for the blind drivers. Took me seven years to realize that was not true. My dad told me that oil spots on the street were little kids that got run over because they didn't hold anyone's hand while crossing the street. Or “When you lie, your ears turn red.” I covered my ears every time I lied. Still do. My grandmother told my mother that the left boob is for regular milk and the right is for chocolate milk, mom believed this until she was in high school and took sex ed. Never fooled me though. My mom told me that hills are where giants are buried. Thanks mom, that didn't terrify me as a child. Lastly, when I was little, my dad told me that if I burped, farted and sneezed at the same time, I would turn inside-out. Ever happen to you? <br /><br />A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle bwown wabbit over der?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thyit." With that, I am out of here for this week. <br /><br />Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived. <br /><br />If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-10537837521308377522015-09-08T14:34:00.002-05:002015-09-08T14:34:30.629-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #277 9/8/2015<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.” Steve Jobs </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Hey, how is it going after the long weekend? Seems as though we just had Memorial Day. That was only a couple of weeks ago – right? I am always a little down with Labor Day. Don't get me wrong, fall is one of my favorite seasons but Labor Day signals to me a downward spiral of our weather that I will have to endure until April. Oh, before I forget again, I will be publishing “Drivel Over Coffee” on the holiday schedule. Instead of appearing Tuesday AM it will appear sometime after that. I forgot to mention that last week. <br /><br />You know it's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my...give me your hand...It won't be long now..." <br /><br />Question: If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him – is he still wrong? <br /><br />I was in Hy-Vee last Saturday getting a few supplies to carry us through Labor Day. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys while I was picking out a turkey breast. She couldn't find one big enough for her family it seems. She snagged a stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No, ma'am, they are dead." <br /><br />"What would you most like for your birthday?" That question gets harder and harder to answer as we get older, at least for me. The guys at the Old Farts Coffee Klatch last week were talking about that. Spud told us the story of what happened when he asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday. She thinks for a minute. "I'd love to be ten again," smiling broadly. So on the morning of her birthday, Spud gets her up bright and early. Off they go to Adventureland theme park. What a day! Spud puts her on every ride in the park -- The Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -- everything there is! Wow! She staggers out of the park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right into McDonald's they go. Spud orders a double Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie. It's the latest Star Wars epic, with plenty of cotton candy, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure of a day! Finally she wobbles home with Spud and collapses into bed. Spud leans over lovingly. "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" She opens one eye and stares at him. "You idiot," she moans. "I meant dress size!" <br /><br />Later Herbie starts in on one of his favorite topics – women. He tells us how he is in bed with his lover Nancy. Herbie also happens to be Nancy's husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwords, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is Nancy's house, she picks up the receiver. Herbie looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of a quite cheery conversation... "Hello?" says Nancy. "Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye." As she hangs up the phone, Herbie asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," Nancy smiles, "that was just my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." <br /><br />Questions man has pondered for decades. <br /><br />1. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? <br /><br />2. Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. <br /><br />3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? <br /><br />4. If “CON” is the opposite of “PRO”, what is the opposite of PROGRESS? <br /><br />5. You can't buy love, but you most certainly can pay dearly for it. <br /><br />6. If you look like your photo in your passport – you surely need a vacation. <br /><br />7. The more I know people – the more I like my dog. <br /><br />8. Anyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito. <br /><br />Speaking of telephones, I have an old telephone that came out of our farmhouse a good 60 years ago. It has a crank on the side used to ring the number you wanted. In those days we didn't have “private lines” like today. We had “party lines”. There would be 8 to 10 people on the same line. If you were talking, anyone on the line could pick up their phone and listen to your conversation and even chime in if they dared. Our number was “two longs and a short”. You would give the phone crank two long cranks and then one short one. If you heard it, you answered it. Today we take our smart phones for granted. We even fool around with things like the greeting message for voice mails. I have had a few cute one over the years but never one quite like this one. "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are, too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love'. Beep." The message "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love." <br /><br />I read that a lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock. "Quick!" she said to the man, "It's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!" "Where's the back door?", the man asked as he grabbed his clothes. "There isn't one", she replied. "Where would you like one?" he asked. <br /><br />I told the OFCK (Old Farts Coffee Klatch) about the time years ago when I came home, my current wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" I asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Sue, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son." <br /><br />Finally, at the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you. <br /><br />If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-74053037740997005812015-09-01T11:17:00.002-05:002015-09-01T11:17:52.722-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #276 9/1/2015
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>In my personal and professional life the things that occur to me just wouldn't fly if I said them out loud... So I created this blog. </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Heavens to Betsy it is Tuesday already and time to inflict the wrath of Drivel on my unsuspecting readers. Time seems to pass so quickly these days. Perhaps it is because I have so many projects to get done before the cold weather gets here. There is the trimming of lilacs in back, finishing touches on landscaping in front, finishing the cleaning of the garage with ensuing organization. A retired old fart's work is never done. <br /><br />I do take time each week though to have a cup of French Roast coffee with a group of guys of similar predilection. I have been remiss by not including these characters in my blog before now. I simply have to admit that I was ashamed. These guys would be the stereotypical “Old Farts”. The discussions border on the insane, incoherent, politically incorrect, slanderous, poor taste and just not fit for prime time. That is just me, the rest of the guys are pretty good old farts. <br /><br />Billy Bob asked me, 'How did the fight start?' I replied, 'I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' Not thinking, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started...' <br /><br />Spud and Red sat across the table today. Red asks, 'Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Heck the bills are distasteful enough, now they are stuffing junk mail in there with them. I decided to get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." So I haven't gotten any nasty calls.' <br /><br />Herbie asks, 'Does your wife use fabric softener? My wife does. I never knew what that stuff was for. I I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.' Spud chimed in, 'Herbie, just what are you implying here. Are you looking for some “action”?' No response from Herbie, just a red face. <br /><br />Spud is not very tall and looks like a potato – kind of an oval shape and bad complexion. Herbie is 6' 2” or 3” sort of good looking when he covers his bald head, wears his contacts and puts in his glass eye. Red is just Red. Red hair, reddish complexion (high blood pressure) and skinny. Billy Bob is a character. He used to own Billy Bob's Sewer Sucking Service and Carpet Cleaning. He retired a few years back. Gave the business to his son, Willy Rob. Billy Bob still dabbles in it a bit. Hard to go cold turkey in the sewer sucking business I am told. <br /><br />These guys all know about my current wife, Sue, her foibles, idiosyncrasies, and such. Stories have been passed around before. I am not alone in this as we have all talked about our wives at one point or another. I told them that my wife's from the Midwest. Iowa to be exact. I am from Iowa also but in central Iowa where the dirt is good and black. Right in the Bible belt or close to it anyway. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'. I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? <br /><br />Red's grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. Perhaps that dollar came from a thong in a strip club. Makes one wonder doesn't it. I put a reminder in my calendar to launder my currency when I get home. Oh, gross!!!!! <br /><br />Okay, enough about my 'Old Farts Coffee Klatch'. People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor. Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, an Iowa State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather. “What’s the matter? Asked the Trooper "Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." "I can't," said the biker. "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..." <br /><br />You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know?". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood." <br /><br />Native Iowans like native Nebraskans, like native Missourians have things peculiar to their state that sets it apart. Here are 10 undeniable things every true Iowan has done at least once. <br /><br />1. Bought sweet corn from a stranger on the side of the road – or in a parking lot. <br />2. Made a trip to Adventureland, and got soaked on the Log Ride. <br />3. Eaten some delicious Midwestern soul food at the Machine Shed. <br />4. Made the honorary visit to see the butter sculptures at the Iowa State Fair. <br />5. Gone for a scenic countryside cruise on a hayride. <br />6. Gotten utterly lost in a corn maze. <br />7. Went swimming in a corn pool. <br />8. Eaten way too much puppy chow. <br />9. Tailgated at the Iowa vs. Iowa State game. <br />10. Experienced RAGBRAI at least once – if not riding in it, then being in one of the overnight towns. <br /><br />If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-21725117459506347222015-08-25T08:49:00.000-05:002015-08-25T08:50:28.857-05:00Drivel Over Coffee 275 8/25/2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>Not everyone who lost his life in Vietnam died there. Not everyone who came home from Vietnam ever left there.</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> <br /><br />Hello everyone. Glad to have you aboard once again. Let's get started this week with a rant. <br /><br />I have often times expressed some concern over how society is evolving in a less than desirable fashion. Usually I put focus on a specific segment that I feel is inept, power hungry, or just downright crappy. I will do that once again in this issue. An acquaintance, Charles (not his real name), related an experience he had recently. Charles is not new to the blog. Seems he runs into a rash of stuff all the time. His only solace is his model train development in his basement. He proudly told me the other day that he got his “hump yard” working. I, of course, congratulated him but in the back of mind I wondered just what the heck a “hump yard” is. Was it something masochistic or what. I did not have the courage to ask. <br /><br />Sorry, I digress. Charles had reason to go down to our local power company to discuss an issue regarding rebates for newly installed lighting. Our power company has a very nice 10+ story building with a parking ramp. He motors down intending to park in the ramp as customers have done for years. At the ramp entrance he was greeted by a burly Gestapo Rent-A-Cop who matter of factly told him to turn around and park elsewhere. Not wanting to become a victim of police brutality, Charles reluctantly obeyed. Finding a spot a block or so away, he entered the building and told the receptionist his mission for the day. Charles was again matter-of-factly informed that NO ONE goes beyond this point. No, she could not have someone come down to talk to him. He would have to communicate by telephone or email. If that were still a problem, this other Gestapo Rent-a-cop could take care of him. <br /><br />Charles left, shall we say, less than pleased. Now I just don't understand this policy. I understand the need for some form of security, but let's get real folks. These jerks don't deserve my business with that level of customer service. If I could go off grid I would in a heartbeat. It reeks. I would suspect the decision makers have been compromised by being infected with the “Stupid” virus. I told Charles, “Even duct tape can't fix “stupid”, but it can muffle the sound. <br /><br />A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?' <br /><br />I went to the Grout Museum in Waterloo, Iowa on Saturday with my current wife and daughter Debby. They have a Vietnam War exhibit. We wanted to see this particularly so the family could get my commentary. It was a very good experience for us. For me the two most poignant things was a time line. The time line had a rod stretching through all the years of the conflict. Above it were things going on at home and below were things going on in Vietnam. Hanging from the rod were dog tags of Iowans killed by year. Early on there were 7 killed. In my era (1968 – 69) there were a lot. It was sobering to see just a few dog tags explode into hundreds. But for me the most unsettling thing was the constant sound of helicopters flying overhead. I wanted to crawl under something. <br /><br />As we were wrapping our visit up, a young lady approached and thanked me for my service. It is very gratifying when this occurs. I find that it is mostly young to middle aged people that do this. I haven't had many peers say anything. That is disappointing. We visited for a moment. She explained she was the granddaughter of one of the Sullivan Brothers. Very nice conversation and experience. <br /><br />The Grout Museum is quite a wonder. It is a nice building with many exhibits. They do have a tremendous need to hire someone who has a smidgen of common sense however. You see the several parts intertwined. The main entrance has parking for about 40 cars maybe. The Sullivan Brothers building has NO parking. Its entrance is clear around the other side of the building. Evidently you are supposed to park across a busy multi-lane street under the freeway. Not a good situation if you have trouble walking and etc. Now that wouldn't be so bad if only there were clear signage or markings of some kind to let a person know this. <br /><br />These past weeks I have had a hunger for a nice chocolate sundae. My current wife who is on her current diet has little interest so I went out by myself. I shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor last week and pulled myself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching my breath, I ordered a chocolate sundae with whipped cream, and a maraschino cherry. She looked puzzled. 'Do you want chocolate ice cream with chocolate sauce?' she asked. 'No, Missy. Listen, a chocolate sundae is vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce. Has been since they invented ice cream.' I responded curtly. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' I replied, 'Arthritis.' <br /><br />You may have noticed that my mind will wander from time to time. As I am writing this today, I am thinking about a couple of things. First, if I am driving at the speed of light and I turn on my headlights, what happens? Secondly, why are there interstates in Hawaii? <br /><br />We had our Men's Breakfast last Wednesday. I was on the sausage station. I had to use alternative sausages this time compared to our normal fare. I went to our local Sam's Club to purchase said sausages on Tuesday only to discover they didn't have them. Upon inquiring, it is unknown if they will stock them any longer. That is the trouble with these joints. You are stuck with what they want to carry. I did find some alternates and they went over okay with my fellow old farts. While sitting eating and chatting, JR asked me why, after all these years, I still call my wife – current wife, Darling, Honey, Luv. What's the secret? I replied “I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her.” <br /><br />Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2015 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" Ole says........"How da heck vas I suppose to pick dem up? <br /><br />"It's not that I can and others can't, it's I did and others didn't." If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span><br />
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Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-20275258341108825492015-08-18T11:56:00.003-05:002015-08-18T11:56:53.550-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #274 8/18/2015<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>“As we go on, we remember all the times we spent together and as our lives change come whatever, we will still be friends forever.” </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Hello everyone. Top of the morning to you. Hope the past week has been kind to you. <br /><br />Went to my class reunion over the weekend. It was our 51st year, class of 1964. The year of God's children. Some of my classmates changed so much that they didn't even recognize me. It was an average turn out I guess – about 20-25 percent. It was a very great time. I sincerely loved talking to you all. Old friendships are the best ones. I think of each of my classmates as friends even if I haven't seen them for a million years. I left wondering just how you guys all stayed so young. I, obviously, was sick the day they covered longevity in school. Now I admit, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. <br /><br />On our way home from the reunion, my current wife and I discussed our classmates, memories, and getting old. Out of the blue, she says, “I know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.” Who knew? I added that I personally find it scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. She agreed. We both agreed that these days about half the stuff in our shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' <br /><br />FYI, I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school. <br /><br />What happened to the other classmates? Three have passed away, the rest I guess were too lazy, too busy, poor, or just didn't care to see the people they spent 1/3 of their lives. I for one would have liked to see the rest of them. I'm just funny that way I guess. Hard to turn your back on old friendships. It is sad for me once I realize that this was probably my last opportunity to have seen everyone. Such a shame more couldn't have found the time or will to attend. <br /><br />Had any of the lackey’s needed a reason for attending our reunion, read on: <br /><br />1. Because you still can! <br />2. Because you're never too cool for your high school friends. <br />3. Your family is tired of hearing your stories and you want to relive them with someone who actually cares! <br />4. Ummm....who else is gonna fill in the blanks to your slipping memory? <br />5. You'll laugh, cry and reminisce with some of your oldest friends. <br /><br />I sat with an old friend from another class and visited a bit. After a while, I very quietly confided to her that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my friend, is the definition of "OLD". <br /><br />Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old? Well, read this next story..... You'll love this one. <br /><br />My name is Sue (the current wife of the author). I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 51 odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Jefferson High School. “Yes, yes, I did. I'm a J-Hawk,” he gleamed with pride. “When did you graduate?” I asked. He answered, “In 1964. Why do you ask?” “You were in my class!” I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-a**ed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-b***h asked, “What did you teach???” <br /><br />I had a report from a concerned citizen regarding abuse by the solid waste agency. The trash was placed at the curb per the Garbage Gestapo Handbook prior to 7:00 am as is the requirement. She arrived home from a hard day at work to find her Garby sitting in the middle of the street. She had placed a bucket with glassware at the curb also. It had remained at the curb untouched. Usually not one to complain, she called the agency and talked to a Sgt. Schultz type who eventually agreed to have someone come out and rectify the situation. Go figure. <br /><br />The Hotties of Hysteria Lane cornered me a couple of days ago. Seems as though they are a bit put out that they have not had a mention in my blog for quite some time. My suggestion of donning their bikinis, pose in the street for a photo. Most of them declined. It seems the major concern for them are milkweeds and the propagation of caterpillars/monarch butterflies. Yawn! But hey, it has kept them out of the bars for the most part. <br /><br />Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................ I was in Ace Hardware last Thursday. I overheard a customer ask a clerk, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" This guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" The clerk replied, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware. <br /><br />After the Ace Hardware visit, I went into St. Andrews pro shop to get a bucket of balls. I start out to the driving range when I remembered that I needed a ball marker as I had lost my other one. I asked the golf pro if they sell ball markers. The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00. I gave the pro a dollar. The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in, and hands me a dime to use as the marker. This economic model is also used by the U S government. <br /><br />Last week we lost a friend and member of our men's breakfast group. He was a great guy. Loved my grand dog Kinnick and would always tell me about the virtues of soft ice cream. The “candy man” was a welcoming icon in our church. He always had a presence in the back pew every Sunday. He dispensed the candy treats to the kids after the kid's sermon – every Sunday. I wish all the best to his wife and family. <br /><br />"It's not that I can and others can't, it's I did and others didn't." If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-30878876912262083642015-08-11T16:23:00.005-05:002015-08-11T16:23:52.976-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #273 8/11/2015
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivgh95pF54nE054X6p-PAmFAlgQGrJmehdCxWWnF0zj-sSdYUStiouAE_AOz-ksJwIS8ATkVzgke1juhgF3f31RHDPZMHN-aTVzM7i8NGOKEHUFbdTpEFIc3JViHn5uF6NdZKV7kWjHaw/s1600/Two+Cats.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="152" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivgh95pF54nE054X6p-PAmFAlgQGrJmehdCxWWnF0zj-sSdYUStiouAE_AOz-ksJwIS8ATkVzgke1juhgF3f31RHDPZMHN-aTVzM7i8NGOKEHUFbdTpEFIc3JViHn5uF6NdZKV7kWjHaw/s200/Two+Cats.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>“My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned, and that's the burden I bear.” </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Only a few days until my school has an “all school” reunion. Now that it is this close, I don't know if I am looking forward to it or dreading it. It has been a long, long time since I have seen many of my classmates. I probably won't recognize any of them if they have aged anything like I have. I trust there will be a pile of “Hello My Name is:” name badges. Whatever else you do write your name in BIG letters and center of the chest please. Some of us can't see so well anymore. Cataracts are narrowing my field of vision. It will probably be a good time despite my nervousness. <br /><br />Thinking back to those days of yore, one thing I really miss is “scooping the loop”. We would drive up and down and all around town endlessly. Driving slow, looking cool or trying to. Shoot gas was 25 cents a gallon back then and we could afford it sort of. There really was no purpose in doing this. It kept us out of the bars (for the most part). We didn't do drugs back then. Shoot we had hardly heard of grass. The 60's were really awesome times except for the war related parts. Surely, we will be able to reminisce and tell our stories. I may even embellish a bit just for the fun of it. <br /><br />I have been retired since 2009. Enjoyed it for the most part. I haven't enjoyed the delayed onset of PTSD and Agent Orange related malady's that have been cropping up. But, during this time, I have formed perspectives on a host of subjects. Now I warn you these may be somewhat stilted and that is fine. I have written often about “Stupid” and people who are afflicted with it. Everyone has a right to be stupid, I guess, but politicians just abuse the privilege. I'm not saying let's go out and kill all the stupid people to rid them from our lives. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. I have also written from time to time about people's driving habits. I attribute the lack of driving skills and manners to being infected with “Stupid”. Over the years, I have developed a set of do's and don't when driving. Actually, Jenny, the elder get most of the thanks for these. It irks me to have to follow a 90's something couple driving in the left lane at 42 mph in a 70 mph zone. I have found that a most effective tool I have ever installed was to change my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. <br /><br />I have made mention of my current wife, Sue, many times. Usually in the context of our interactions based upon something I may have allegedly done. Oh, I remember, barely, the day I met my current wife. I got that tingly little feeling all over my body. You know, that feeling you get when you meet someone you really like for the first time. I have come to understand that the tingly feeling was common sense leaving your body. Likely, to never return. I have learned over many, many years of observations that you can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. Yep, that's right. If they are holding a gun, she's probably ticked. Those days when girls cooked like their mothers are long gone. Now they drink like their fathers. <br /><br /> I don't often go the bars these days. It is a combination of lack of desire, not wanting to deal with a hangover, medications I take and so forth. I pretty much gave up the drinking thing when at about the age of 45 I got stinking slobber knockered in about 4 hours. I spent the better part of the next 3 days in bed recovering. It was during this episode that my business training inexplicably kicked in and I realized after a cost/benefit analysis that I probably should not do that anymore. I did, however, have occasion a while back to spend some time in a local drinking establishment. What's that? Oh, I was waiting for the current wife. Anyway, I was sitting at the bar and a guy came in and sat down next to me. He orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..... a little peace and quiet?" “Yeah. But today is the last day!" <br /><br />My friend, MacBlu, sent this story to me a while back. It is cute I think. It is a simple story of Connie and Evelyn. Enjoy! <br /><br />Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show"! <br /><br />"You're on!", said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill. <br /><br />So, Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. <br /><br />Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd. <br /><br />"What happened?” asked Evelyn. <br /><br />"I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!" <br /><br />Life is short......break the rules...forgive quickly..... love truly....laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile!! </span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEMrNvinnCEDTVaFuvIXh_XEQ4SuN214VYWixAvllFWxSluQYcMUE9wRmc4GC0XTtx9tI17qbKI6nn-J-mUt6eeILZfFN8BEu1QGxyL-SMaC93pWAR3PFnE0skwbz4EB8_seFbgO0d59E/s1600/Pug.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEMrNvinnCEDTVaFuvIXh_XEQ4SuN214VYWixAvllFWxSluQYcMUE9wRmc4GC0XTtx9tI17qbKI6nn-J-mUt6eeILZfFN8BEu1QGxyL-SMaC93pWAR3PFnE0skwbz4EB8_seFbgO0d59E/s200/Pug.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></span><br />To close this issue, I want to share a photo of a pug that accidentally saw me naked. I didn't </span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEMrNvinnCEDTVaFuvIXh_XEQ4SuN214VYWixAvllFWxSluQYcMUE9wRmc4GC0XTtx9tI17qbKI6nn-J-mUt6eeILZfFN8BEu1QGxyL-SMaC93pWAR3PFnE0skwbz4EB8_seFbgO0d59E/s1600/Pug.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a></span>get the same welcome that Connie received. I am assured he will never get over this. Just look at the shock on his face. The experience resulted in significant trauma. He is now receiving therapy and should be okay eventually. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />"It's not that I can and others can't, it's I did and others didn't." If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-77880301107436695572015-08-04T15:24:00.002-05:002015-08-04T15:24:44.977-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #272 8/4/2015
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> <i><b>“The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government – lest it come to dominate our lives and interests.” Patrick Henry </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Hey, gals and guys. How is it going this morning? August finally. We got past July without sweltering too much. Oh sure there were a few days here and there. I thought I would start out with the top contenders for “Idiot of the Year” awards. If any of you are in the list, I am sorry, I must remain unbiased. Sit back and check these out. <br /><br />1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. <br /><br />2. Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.' <br /><br />3. An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. <br /><br />4. A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik-Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. <br /><br />5. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!' <br /><br />6. A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!' <br /><br />7. In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)! <br /><br />8. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer! <br /><br />It is really nice that stores are required to have a certain number of parking places reserved for the handicap. It really makes shopping easier for those of us who are impaired one way or another. What does defy logic, however, is why you rarely see a cart corral among or near the handicap parking places. A person often will have to push the cart further to store it in a corral than they did to reach their car from the store. Would it not make some modicum of sense for the handicap to have a place to store their carts? I think there should be a grass-roots movement to correct this discriminatory practice. Come on people let's get with it. <br /><br />Amongst things that I ponder daily is the ordinary and often overlooked saltine cracker. I haven’t done the research yet but I want to know how it got its size. Was it just a random act or what? What is the significance of the 17 pinholes? Why do the edges have a serrated like profile? <br /><br />My current wife, Sue, and her family have been DAR members forever. They have researched their family tree extensively. In fact, I think they are back to 1050 ad. Yes, that was a long time ago. I have performed considerably research on my family tree. Something like trying to keep up with the Jones, I suppose. The last few years I have spent a significant amount on software, research tools and trips here and there. I have gone back in time a considerable amount of time myself. The thing I always seem to be seeking are those day to day life stories. I am not so hung up in the dates and hard data so much as the way the people lived. That has been the most frustrating part of my research. In a moment of what I assume was clarity, it came to me that I need only wait until I die and arrive in heaven. Everyone I want to see and talk to should be right there, well, most of them anyway. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that before. I could have saved so much time. <br /><br />I received a call from Charles, not his real name, Friday asking me to help run a chop saw Sunday morning at the home of one of our men's breakfast members who is ailing. I was pleased to be asked and showed up at 8:30 Sunday morning as directed. There were 7 of us. They were building a wheel chair ramp out the back door. I did not know that it was happening prior to that. We worked for about 4 hours and got good and sweaty and tired. I enjoyed the activity especially one that is helping friends. I went to bed Sunday night feeling tired but good physically. Sometime during the night paralysis took over my body. I was able to get out of bed Monday morning just fine. It did take me 20 minutes to get off the floor though. <br /><br />Yes, it's that magical time of year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. <br /><br />Here is the glorious WINNER: <br /><br />1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, CA would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. <br /><br />Mr. Elliot narrowly beat out the chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine. He submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. <br /><br />"It's not that I can and others can't, it's I did and others didn't." If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-74648182150031722382015-07-28T08:59:00.000-05:002015-07-28T08:59:05.601-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #271 7/28/2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>“Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties.” ― Abraham Lincoln </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> <br />Well there I was standing in the middle of, oh what should I call it, a bunch of hog s**t. I am wondering just what I did to deserve this. Oh, you are confused. Let me back the train up a bit. I am seventeen years old, weighing in at 135 lbs. dripping wet. It was about this time in the summer. Hotter than the Hawkeyes on a winning streak. My dad gets a phone call from Ralph down the road from us. Ralph is a good guy. He is one of the Harrison clan around the area. It seems he has some feeder pigs needing to be castrated. The Vet will be out the next morning. Let me define a thing or two here. Feeder pigs are ones raised specifiably to be sold to the packing plants for their meat. They (the males – boars) are commonly castrated at between 40 and 60 lbs. To prevent them from reproducing. Just like we do to our pets. A vet will come out and perform the deed. You might imagine this is a two man job. On one side is the Vet and on the other is the holder of said male animal. <br /><br />My dad and I go down to Ralph's farm which is only about a ½ mile from us. Being vertically challenged I figured I wouldn't be too busy. A guy needed some height for this job but I am game and full of myself. The Vet arrives shortly after us. I look in the pen where Ralph has got the unwilling recipients and, oh boy, Ralph has let these pigs go a little too long. They are more on the order of 80 lbs. The Vet does not administer any deadening to the area on the animal. It is just grunt and deal with it. No stitches either. The proper technique required by the Vet is for the holder of said overweight wiggling pig is to get its head between your legs so that its head is behind you. You grab its back legs, one in each hand, and lift him up high enough so the Vet has a clear view. You must secure the animal tight enough to minimize any movement. <br /><br />As you may image a farm kid who is 5' 4” dripping wet is not very far off the ground. At 80 lbs. The pigs are fairly long. My dad leads off so I can see how it is done. My dad is 5' 8” or 9”. He has no problem. I grab my first wiggling stud muffin. Up comes his back legs. I have his body locked between my legs and am firmly in control. The Vet yells at me “Higher”. Huh? OK I hoisted the back legs up as high as I can get them. My hands and the pig's feet are next to each of my ears. My face is now only inches away from the Vet's work area. Before you can say “snap” the Vet does his thing. I let go and off the pig goes grunting and yelping an octave higher than before. I look at my dad. The three of them, the Vet, Ralph and my dad are all laughing their heads off. I then realized the reason I was there was as much for amusement as it was for providing some labor to the task. Little did they realize or care that it took about a week for me to get my appetite back. As an aside, the parts that were removed are cooked and more commonly called “Rocky Mountain Oysters”. My dad for one thought they were great. This would not be the last time I would have an opportunity to enrich the lives of others. <br /><br />All in all I think we did about 60 pigs that morning. When done, Ralph's wife invited us in to the kitchen for some refreshments and to wash up. I could not wait to wash up, especially my face. The cookies and lemonade, however, were to die for. It would seem that all of the farmer's wives were great cooks. Sure miss those home cooked meals made from scratch. Yum, Yum. To this day, I do not eat oyster of any kind – sea or land. <br /><br />While on the subject of farm animals. The singing group The Animals were a British band of the 1960s, formed in Newcastle upon Tyne during the early part of the decade. The band moved to London upon finding fame in 1964. The Animals were known for their gritty, bluesy sound and deep-voiced front man Eric Burdon, as exemplified by their signature song and transatlantic No.1 hit single, "The House of the Rising Sun", as well as by hits such as "We Gotta Get out of This Place", "It's My Life", "I'm Crying" and "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood". The band balanced tough, rock-edged pop singles against rhythm and blues-oriented album material. They were known in the US as part of the British Invasion. The Animals were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1994. <br /><br />They performed a couple of my favorite songs; “The House of the Rising Sun” and “We Gotta Get out of This Place”. This second song actually became the unofficial theme song for those of us in Vietnam. It expressed our collective desire to get out of there. I remember vividly being in one of the clubs when this song was played. There was never a soldier who was not singing this song as loud as they could. I still get goose bumps thinking about that. Little did we know then that we would never get out of there. Take a listen sometime. <br /><br />This past Saturday my current wife and I took a day trip to northeast Iowa. We had a great time even with a flat tire in the process. The overt reason for the trip was to meet up with Sven's parent and have lunch at Pete's in Prairie Du Chien. Little did I realize we also had a great sight-seeing adventure of Northeast Iowa in the process. We saw so many fascinating things and beautiful Iowa countryside. B and H were great partners because this was their stomping grounds and they knew seemingly everything. We were so fortunate to have them take us all around. Personally, I left the state of Iowa for the first time this year passing through Wisconsin and Illinois. I also found aged cheddar cheese in a fish shop. They had aged Swiss 2, 3, 4, 5 ,7, and 10 years. I purchased a hunk of cheddar aged for 7 years. It definitely had a bite. <br /><br />Now Pete's is a burger shop. They have a unique steamed process for cooking the burgers. The place is about like a carnival cotton candy shack. They serve from both sides of the building. They cook 48 burgers at a time coated with onions. It takes about 20 minutes to cook a new batch. There were 10 to 15 people in line on each side. The menu is limited – burger, chips and pop. The burger is enhanced with onions, ketchup, mustard or horseradish mustard. That is it – no cheese, no fries. Several of my men's breakfast acquaintances have been urging me for some time to go up and experience the burgers. They have even offered to take me up. I can now say I got the full Pete's experience. <br /><br />A note found on the refrigerator read “Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst Beer is normal. I didn't even know you liked beer.” This is why men should not be allowed to take messages. <br /><br />Today is Milk Chocolate Day (not to be confused with Chocolate Day) celebrates everything that’s good about milk chocolate – one of the most common forms of chocolate in snacks, bars and drinks! <br /><br />"It's not that I can and others can't, it's I did and others didn't." If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-82557995896822591922015-07-21T09:24:00.002-05:002015-07-21T09:24:31.806-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #270 7/21/2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Remember, the very moment you wake up in the morning – a goal has been accomplished.” </span></b></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Good morning world! May your troubles be less and your blessings be more. May you realize what all you pain and hard work is for. May you find the peace you seek within and have the patience to tolerate women and men! Have a great day friends! <br /><br />Looking forward to today. I called in and canceled Monday so this is the first day of the week for me. For 2,028 weeks straight excluding vacations the trash is at the curb as prescribed by the Garbage Gestapo. I despise being manacled to them like this. Just smacks of big brother. Heard today that another attempt to take my guns away is underway. The Feds are going after all of us over 65 and drawing social security. They are claiming if you are drawing social security you must not be able to do things for yourself anymore. <br /><br />“A new survey came out, and Washington, D.C., was named the fittest city in the country. And it makes sense. Just think of all of the exercise they get running for re-election, walking back statements, dodging questions and jumping to conclusions. That's all cardio.” <br /><br />I have had many faithful readers for a long time. The “old timers” will remember that I wrote a lot about my not-so-real doggie fitness center and spa. Just because I haven't focused on it for a while does not mean it has gone away. It is quite to the contrary actually. As a form of background, I started this business strictly for our canine community. This facility was state of the art including doggie treadmills, a swimming pool, and the French doggie bidet. We had a library annex next to us which ran counter to Lady Godiva's parlor. The area grew up around the fitness center over the years. My business concept has been so successful that I have added several more locations around the community. I am currently looking at franchising it. Don't know why I continue to fuss with these fantasy ideas. My current wife, Sue, thinks it keeps me out of bars. Perhaps. <br /><br />Murphy, my Boston Terrier, is nine months old now and is showing signs of being a pretty smart little guy. At 15 lbs., he feels like a Retriever or Pit Bull. He is a greeter at the spa. He welcomes each and every client who comes in with a friendly yip and lick. He also gives a bark to alert the staff of a new arrival. Murphy is extremely sensitive to his surroundings and creatures. He lets us know if something or someone is out of place. He has proven to be quite an asset already in his nine months. </span><br /><span style="clear: left; float: left; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixWHGbfRh4niMhPKEyPhWBvYiLIe4uFzL3c3v8Ks7Hrwi7kT9GoGf_Wz6cqtoNLeiWLBtlmx-bPJX7PAjgO6grOyowOQP7aNdIuflmJ58RRRr31T8p9B_nZJdxkRmQ_QrxG1BRe9avZrk/s1600/boneless+chicken.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixWHGbfRh4niMhPKEyPhWBvYiLIe4uFzL3c3v8Ks7Hrwi7kT9GoGf_Wz6cqtoNLeiWLBtlmx-bPJX7PAjgO6grOyowOQP7aNdIuflmJ58RRRr31T8p9B_nZJdxkRmQ_QrxG1BRe9avZrk/s200/boneless+chicken.jpg" width="200" /></a>Twice
a month the old farts of our church get together for a men's breakfast.
It is at 7:00 am which for some is quite a chore to get there. Our
breakfast rotates between rolls, fruit, coffee and juice and pancakes,
sausage, scrambled eggs and fruit. I have accepted the roll of fryer of
thee sausage. I supply the sausage therefore I get to choose what to
cook. In the same kitchen, the scrambled eggs are prepared. I don't like
eggs. I feel they should be used only as an ingredient. Needless to
say, these guys, having nothing better to do, tease the living daylights
out of me. I have attached a photo that pretty well shows my opinion of
these things. I do have some excuses for my avoidance to the gooey
things which I will not get into here. Don't want to give these guys any
more ammunition you see. We have a good time of fellowship, gossip,
rumor spreading and sometimes listen to speakers. It is open to all of
male persuasion. Stop in sometime and see if it fits. <br /><br />A judge
asked a witness,”Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the
truth?” “I do”, the witness replied. “Do you understand what will happen
if you are not truthful?” The judge asked. “Sure”, the witness replied.
“My side wins.” <br /><br />Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: “Back in five minutes. Sit, Stay.” <br /><br />An
elementary school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She
presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known
proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are
first-graders, 6 year-olds, because the last one is a classic! <br /><br />1. Don't change horses. .. .UNTIL THEY STOP RUNNING. <br /><br />2. Strike while the... BUG IS CLOSE. <br /><br />3. It's always darkest before... DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME. <br /><br />4. Never underestimate the power of... TERMITES. <br /><br />5. You can lead a horse to water but... HOW? <br /><br />6. Don't bite the hand that... LOOKS DIRTY. <br /><br />7. No news is... IMPOSSIBLE. <br /><br />8. A miss is as good as a... MR. <br /><br />9. You can't teach an old dog new... MATH. <br /><br />10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll... STINK IN THE MORNING. <br /><br />11. Love all, trust... ME. <br /><br />12. The pen is mightier than the... PIGS. <br /><br />13. An idle mind is... THE BEST WAY TO RELAX. <br /><br />14. Where there's smoke there's... POLLUTION. <br /><br />15. Happy the bride who... GETS ALL THE PRESENTS. <br /><br />16. A penny saved is... NOT MUCH. <br /><br />17. Two's company, three's... THE MUSKETEERS. <br /><br />18. Don't put off till tomorrow what... YOU PUT ON TO GO TO BED. <br /><br />19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... YOU HAVE TO BLOW YOUR NOSE. <br /><br />20. There are none so blind as... STEVIE WONDER. <br /><br />21. Children should be seen and not... SPANKED OR GROUNDED. <br /><br />22. If at first you don't succeed... GET NEW BATTERIES. <br /><br />23. You get out of something only what you... SEE IN THE PICTURE ON THE BOX. <br /><br />24. When the blind lead the blind... GET OUT OF THE WAY. <br /><br />25. A bird in the hand... IS GOING TO POOP ON YOU. <br /><br />And the winner and last one! <br /><br />26. Better late than... PREGNANT. <br /><br />"It's
not that I can and others can't, it's I did and others didn't." If I
can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day
was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-72826062308523313092015-07-14T16:11:00.002-05:002015-07-14T16:11:42.563-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #269 7/14/2015<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">“All too often, a clear conscience is merely the result of a bad memory.” </span></b></i><br /><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The Farmers Almanac </span></b></i></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Good Morning Drivellers. <br /><br />This blog came into existence due to the ineptitude of our Solid Waste Agency and the Solid Waste & Recycling Divisions of our city and county governments. I truly believe the people running these entities lie awake at nights dreaming up new and unique ways to make the lives of the citizens as disagreeable as possible. In the beginning (of the blog) I opined about the Yardy, Curby and Garby carts we had to use and the restrictions these imposed. Every home ended up with 3 plastic barrels. Touted as the best way to get recyclables out of the landfills and etc. There was all sorts of hoopla not to mention the purchase of special collection trucks. Three new routes were created – one for each cart. Seems we now have changed our minds once again. Rumor has it that either the Curby or Yardy will be moved from weekly pickup to every other week. Apparently, running 3 routes every week is a bit costly. Duh! Wouldn't you think that would have been contemplated initially? <br /><br />A big shout-out to Sven's parents. They came down to Cedar Rapids to deliver a lug of peaches and blueberries on Friday. The Georgia peaches are FANTASTIC. We, of course, had to partake of a biscuit and beverage while visiting. Great time. Thanks a lot B and H. <br /><br />Overheard at the water fountain. A husband returns from church and lifts his wife up.... His wife said “Honey this is new, you never did this before this surely means you're loving me more.” The husband replied “Well at church today the Pastor said we should lift our problems up to God.” There's your sign. <br /><br />Has it been hot at your house? Humid? Yip, same here. Now I normally don't go to the pool but this last weekend I was so friggin' uncomfortable I thought I would give it a go. Of course, it took me about 45 minutes of rummaging through my drawers to find something that resembled a swimming suit. I did finally find my old speedo from days long ago. Hey, I thought this will work after all they are stretchy. Off I go to the pool. I am having a good time and that speedo is drawing a lot of attention. I think people were surprised a 69 year old could look so good. I did a little sunbathing, goofed around with some younger people in the pool. It was great until I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you are over sixty-five, who gives a *****. <br /><br />I was visiting my daughter Debby, the younger elder, last night. I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "Dad, this is the 21st century" Debby said. "We don't waste money on newspapers anymore. Here, use my iPad." I can tell you this... that damn fly never knew what hit him. <br /><br />A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at a favorite restaurant. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said one elderly lady. I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully... Thank God we can all still drive. <br /><b><br />LOTS OF OLD FOLK MEMORIES IN THIS ONE</b>...I have listened to the words to American Pie for many years and thought I understood everything that was being sung about. However, when the words are put together with pictures and film clips the song takes on new meaning. This took a lot of thought and it sure brings back lots of memories. A job well done! This link is worth watching. <a href="http://youtu.be/VhX3b1h7GQw">http://youtu.be/VhX3b1h7GQw</a> <br /><br /><b>THE 2015 USA WELFARE PLAN</b> (someone sent me this, no idea if it is correct or not.) <br /><br />A guy and his girlfriend with two kids. Follow these proven steps. <br /><br />1. Don't get married to her. <br />2. Always use your mom's address to get mail. <br />3. The guy buys a house.<br />4. Guy rents out house to his girlfriend who has 2 of his kids. <br />5. Section 8 will pay $900 a month for a 3 bedroom home. <br />6. Girlfriend signs up for Obamacare so guy doesn't have to pay for family insurance. <br />7. Girlfriend gets to go to college for free being a single mother. <br />8. Girlfriend gets $600 a month for food stamps. <br />9. Girlfriend gets free cell phone. <br />10. Girlfriend get free utilities. <br />11. Guy moves into home but continues to use mom's house to get mail. <br />12. Girlfriend claims one kid and guy claims one kid on taxes. Now each get to claim head of house hold at $1,800 credit. <br />13. Girlfriend gets disability for being "crazy" or having a "bad back" at $1,800 a month and never has to work again. <br /><br />This plan is perfectly legal and is being executed now by millions of people. A married couple with a stay at home mom yields $0 dollars. An unmarried couple with stay at home mom nets. <br /><br />$21,600 disability + <br />$10,800 free housing + <br />$6,000 free Obamacare + <br />$6,000 free food + <br />$4,800 free utilities + <br />$6,000 Pell grant money to spend + <br />$12,000 a year in college tuition free from Pell grant + <br />$8,800 tax benefit for being a single mother = <br /> --------- <br />$75,000 a year in benefits. Any idea why our country is $18 + trillion in debt! <br /><br />"It's not that I can and others can't, it's I did and others didn't." If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-86599903331699720672015-07-08T08:04:00.000-05:002015-07-08T08:04:13.499-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #268 7/7/2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">“Without music, life would be a mistake.” </span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Friedrich Nietzsche </span></b></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Happy post 4th of July. Before the 4th of July glow evaporates completely here is something to remember…. <br /><br />Patriotism and the Declaration of Independence <br /><br />Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence? Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor. What kind of men were they? Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well-educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured. <br /><br />Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts and died in rags. Thomas McKean was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him and poverty was his reward. Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Rutledge and Middleton. At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed and Nelson died bankrupt. Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife and she died within a few months. John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. <br /><br />So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid. Remember: freedom is never free! We thank these early patriots, as well as those patriots now fighting to KEEP our freedom! I hope you will show your support by sending this to as many people as you can, please. It's time we get the word out that patriotism is NOT a sin and the Fourth of July has more MEANING to it than beer, fireworks, HOT DOGS, and picnics... <br /><br />Do you remember getting ready for your class reunion? Probably more so years ago, but I remember doing a starvation diet and doubling my workouts trying to look as buff as possible. Planned my wardrobe to accentuate the positive and downplay those attributes that were not as flattering. I had always wanted to roll up to the event properly late so everyone could see the neat vehicle I was driving. Now be honest did any of you ever do some of those things? <br /><br />Our class hasn't had a reunion in a while. Feeling that this one coming up in August would most likely be my last, I wanted to go all out. One thing and another have prevented the changing of the physic so I am left with the cool automobile. Here I am pondering my choices when one of my classmates posts a picture of their new quarter of million dollar sports car. Well, so much for the cool wheels. I am now faced with going as me. What you see is what you get. I suppose for many of the class mates that will be shocking enough. <br /><br />Here Are 15 Ways To Tell If You Grew Up In Small Town Iowa <br /><br />Your prom was a red carpet ordeal. Kids showed up in limos and the whole town was there to take pictures. <br /><br />You can name everyone in your graduating class, and why not? You’ve known them all since preschool! <br /><br />You perfected your finger wave at an early age. <br /><br />And getting stuck behind a tractor was a perfectly good excuse for being late to school. <br /><br />High school football was a big deal. Every Friday night, the entire town crowded onto the bleachers to show their support. <br /><br />Your first job was detasseling, or working at Hy-Vee. <br /><br />You were jealous when the boys in your class got out of school early to help their dad's harvest. <br /><br />And your idea of fun consisted of driving 50 miles to the nearest city to hang out at the mall. <br /><br />Friday night fun was barn dances. And this is probably the first place you slow-danced. <br /><br />It wasn’t unusual to see someone’s tractor parked in the school parking lot. <br /><br />And if you were bored, you went to Walmart. <br /><br />You don’t understand paying for parking. And you had never gotten a parking ticket until you moved to a city and got twenty in the first month. <br /><br />Public transportation scares and confuses you. When you used to take the bus to school, there was only one route, and the driver knew you by name. <br /><br />You’re used to leaving your doors unlocked, because you can do that when you live in a small town. <br /><br />And when you are back home, everyone says ‘hi’ and knows you by name. If they don’t know your name, they at least know your dad or your grandpa, and can tell you some pretty funny stories about him. <br /><br />What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet! <br /><br />A month or so ago, I went to a watering hole. A rare event for me. I hadn't done this in a long time. I was standing at the bar, minding my own business. This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?" Surprised, I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?" She said "Yea", I got a pen". I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you". Cost me 6 stitches. When you are over sixty-five..... Who gives a **** <br /><br />"It's not that I can and others can't, it's I did and others didn't." If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-62859579884369251232015-06-30T08:39:00.002-05:002015-06-30T08:39:42.213-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #267 6/30/2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” </b></i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>― Mahatma Gandhi </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />Good to see everyone again. Had any rain? If you are in Iowa, at the very least, you know what rain is. It just keeps on coming. The forecast for this week showed chances of rain every day. Mother Nature has her undies bunched up I think. No idea what ticked her off. <br /><br />Work continues on the front of our house. Daughter Debby, the younger elder, is spear heading this project. We ripped out all of the old stuff and are putting in all new plants. Pretty exciting. Debby has a green thumb and good instincts it seems. We want to keep raising the “keep up with the Bailey's bar”. This latest venture seems to have stunned the neighbors. We usually see a flurry of new activity but I haven't noticed any so far. I wanted to thank the CR Streets dept. for putting in a new street light so quickly. It really lights up the area at night. The other one barely lit up the pole let alone anything else. Now, the neighbors can be tantalized day and night. <br /><br />Shortly after retiring I became stark raving mad with boredom. I searched for a some volunteer work that would be meaningful without much success. In desperation, I applied at Wal-Mart and was hired. Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, “Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?” The mom answered, “Hell no, they ain”t twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid? I replied, “I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart. My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work! This story is courtesy of Stephen David Forbes. <br /><br />Many Iowans understand just how awesome our state is. However, many non-Iowans think of us as some hicks living in corn and soybean fields. Below is a list of 10 Weird And Wacky World Records Held By Iowa and Iowans. Spread the word. We are awesome <br /><br />1. The world's largest concrete gnome is located at Reiman Gardens in Ames. It weighs 3,500 pounds and is 15 feet tall. <br /><br />2. The worlds largest frying pan, in Brandon, weighs half a ton and can hold 44 dozen eggs. It is actually debated whether this frying pan or the frying pan in Long Beach, Washington, is the world's largest, but many agree that the title belongs to Iowa's pan. <br /><br />3. The world's largest strawberry, in Strawberry Point, weighs 1,430 pounds and stands 15 feet high, 12 feet across. <br /><br />4. Sac City, Iowa, is home to the worlds largest popcorn ball, which weighs 3,100 pounds. <br /><br />5. Albert the Bull is the world's largest bull at 30 feet tall, 33 feet long, and a whopping 45 tons. You can find Albert in Audubon, Iowa. <br /><br />6. If you visit Algona, you will find the world's largest Cheeto enshrined in a case, sitting on a velvet cushion. At Christmas-time he wears a Santa Clause hat. <br /><br />7. The world's largest clog dance was achieved by 2,605 people during the Tulip Time festival in Pella, Iowa, on May, 8 2010. <br /><br />8. Iowa holds the world record for most people to simultaneously do the Stop, Drop, and Roll. The event was held on August 21 at the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines. <br /><br />9. In 2012, Iowa set the world record for most sets of twins in one grade. There were 16 sets of twins in the ninth-grade class at Valley Southwoods Freshman High School in Des Moines, Iowa. <br /><br />10. Hans N. Langseth set the world record for the longest beard when he died in Kensett, Iowa in 1927. His 17 foot, 6 inch long beard was presented to the Smithsonian in the 1960's. <br /><br />Upon my retirement, daughter Debby began cutting my hair. It really wasn't a big deal since I was down to a dozen or so hairs on the top of my head. She did a great job. A few years earlier she had given us a home hair cutting kit and had been lightly used up to that point. My current wife took note at how easy Debby made it look. Soon she was expressing a desire to take over the duties and she did. She did a great job as well. Now the years have passed along and that unit is not working so well. Being a responsible customer, I purchased a new unit for her. The last two times she cut my hair she was less than happy with the cutter. My hair cuts were evidence of her displeasure. This last time she didn't even get the haircut completed. Needless, I was not very presentable. I finally had a look at this machine with the intent of fixing it. I know, I hear you groaning. It is a slippery slope but I only had to screws to remove which I did. An hour later I cannot find a thing wrong except I was having a problem putting it back together. Little did I know that it was spring loaded. When putting it together these two little springs needed to go in a certain spot, held and the screws inserted. I did get it done finally. No change in how it worked however. Scratching my ever enlarging forehead, I noted this unit was an Oster brand which was not the brand I had bought. The 200 watt light bulb above my head lit up when I realized she had continued to use the old defective on these last two times. A corrective cut performed last night brought high marks from her. BTW, anyone know of a pill that reduces memory loss? <br /><br />Vietnam Legacy <br /><br />I was that which others did not want to be. <br />I was where others feared to go and did what others failed to do. <br />I asked nothing from those who gave nothing and reluctantly accepted the thought of eternal loneliness.... should I fail. <br />I have seen the face of terror, felt the stinging cold of fear, smelled the odor of war and enjoyed the sweet taste of a moment's love. <br />I have cried, pained, and hoped.... but most of all I have lived times others would say were best forgotten. <br />I have lived each day wondering why I must live in agony til I die.<br />At least someday I will be able to say that I was proud of what I was ….. A soldier. <br /><br />Original by George L. Skypeck <br /><br />If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-15397287580237369332015-06-23T09:06:00.000-05:002015-06-23T09:06:02.270-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #266 6/23/2015
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<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">"If we could do it all again, would we?" </span></b></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Would
you? I sure would. The sixties were the absolute best of times and
the worst of times for me. Take me back, please. And a warm welcome
once again to you all. I trust the intervening week has been kind to
all of you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Hi,
Murphy, the Boston terrier here. I just wanted to bounce in here for
a second. My male human has me all confused. I had been led to
believe that the name they bestowed on me was “Murphy”. In the
past weeks though it seems as though it has now become “Stopthat”.
Okay, so after a while I stopped responding to Murphy and started
coming to them when they called “Stopthat”. It seemed about every
two minutes I was running to one or the other human. I mean it has
really tired me out. The past couple of days the female human has
started calling me “Getbackhere”. So I am now officially
confused. Is it Murphy, Stopthat, or Getbackhere? Just let me know,
please.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Happy
2 days after Father's Day to all the dads out there. When I was in
high school, I took my little brother to Des Moines where I purchased
a puppy for my Dad's birthday. Queenie, his previous dog had passed
and I felt he needed a replacement. I may have been the only one to
think that however. From the time I was born, we always had a dog on
the farm. Our dogs were outside dogs. My mom would not allow one paw
to cross the threshold inside. I will never forget that day. Baldy,
my little brother, and I waltzed into the kitchen with this
scared-to-death puppy. We put him down on the floor, he took 2 steps
and proceeded to relieve himself. Mom was shocked for the lack of a
better word. Somehow “Sparky” endeared himself to Mom and he
became our first and only dog allowed in the house. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="drivel-text-body-western" style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Sparky
became my dad's best friend. He went everywhere with my dad. He rode
in the tractors and combine. He went to the field and stayed there
all day, regardless of the temperature. Mom would bring lunch out to
the field for my dad. She also packed a sandwich for Sparky. Sparky
would take the sandwich, run off and bury it for a future time.
Sparky planted thousands of sandwiches. Sparky was a protector of the
family as well as one of the family. He was invited to sit at the
kitchen table at meal time. He would sit on the chair, he would
follow the conversation around the table. Mom would give him a plate
with food on it and sit it in front of him but Sparky made no attempt
to eat it at the table. When we were done with the meal, the plate
would get set on the floor and only then would Sparky eat it. One of
the fondest memories of the sixties on the farm.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="drivel-text-body-western" style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Let
me get to some neighborly news. Life on Hysteria Lane took a turn to
excited this past week. Unbeknown to me but somewhat of “keeping up
with the Jones” competition has sprung up. Over the years I have
related some of my house maintenance activities and the troubles that
ensue. Well, last year I took the plunge and had my asphalt driveway
replaced with concrete. This did not occur normally, however. As the
concrete guy put the finishing touches on the fresh cement, the wind
picked up and leaves from my ash tree began falling in the concrete.
He and my wife did the best they could but we have the only driveway
on Hysteria Lane with a leaf pattern in their driveway. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="drivel-text-body-western" style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was
unaware of any kind of rivalry until this week. Ms. E, one of the
Hotties, who lives across the street from me, replaced her asphalt
with concrete and used the very same concrete guy. She does NOT have
a single leaf imprint on it. Makes me sick. Not to sit still for this
one upmanship, daughter Debbie, the younger elder, decided we needed
to rip decades old shrubs out from the front of the house and replace
with neat stuff. Good I thought and we began on Saturday. Ms. E
noticed this, of course, and made inquiry as to what we were doing.
Having explained it, finding out about the rivalry thing, she
proceeded to removed everything from her garage and clean it. Thus
throwing the onus onto me to clean my garage. Oh, she is also going
to update her shrubs. Not sure if this will ever end.</span></div>
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</span><div class="drivel-text-body-western" style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The
billboard top 10 for this week in 1965 was: 1. I can't help Myself,
2. Mr. Tambourine Man, 3. Wooly Bully, 4. Crying in the Chapel, 5.
Back In My Arms Again, 6. Wonderful World, 7. Help Me Rhonda,
8.Engine Engine #9, 9. For Your Love, 10. Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="drivel-text-body-western" style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">My
current wife and I were sitting at the supper table last night. Hash
browns, battered cod, and peas. That reminds me, why are we always
stuck with “battered” fish. Can't they harvest fish that have not
be abused in any way? I had just eaten a forkful of peas (3 peas)
when out popped “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?” I
about choked when she replied, “I don't know. I don't even think we
got a Christmas card from them this year.” There's your sign. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="drivel-text-body-western" style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was
in my front yard mowing the grass when a blonde neighbor came out of
her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then
slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came
out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it,
slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. Just as
I was getting ready to edge the lawn by the sidewalk, she came out
again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever. Completely puzzled by her actions I went over and
asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied,
"There certainly is!" My stupid new computer keeps saying,
"You've Got Mail." </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="drivel-text-body-western" style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The
only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did
some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the
state line in Wisconsin for $200. They bought the cow from Wisconsin
and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time,
and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a
bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would
never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the
bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However,
whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No
matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very
upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They
told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches
our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An
approach from the side, she walks away to the other side." The
Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by
chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded,
since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You
are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got
the cow in Wisconsin?" The Vet replied with a distant look in
his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><div class="drivel-text-body-western">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;">If
I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then
my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -</span></strong><cite><span style="font-weight: normal;">TA!</span></cite></span></div>
Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-26483250563787621822015-06-16T12:16:00.000-05:002015-06-16T12:16:31.117-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #265 6/16/2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency; the second is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity; both bring a permanent ruin. But both are the refuge of political and economic opportunists. Ernest Hemingway </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />You are here. Here is the “Drivel Over Coffee” blog. If you have gotten here by accident, please read then remove yourself. If you have arrived here intentionally, we welcome you with open arms. Grab a cup of French roast coffee and relax. Be sure to buckle up, it may be a rocky ride. <br /><br />For starters, did you know Leeches have 32 brains? Darn smarty pants anyway. <br /><br />A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.' <br /><br />School Question<br />Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" <br />Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."<br />Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"<br />Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?" <br /><br /> I had lunch the other day at a fast food place. Basic burger and fries type of place. I was munching away on my fries when I noticed that these fries had not been peeled. Having been raised on the farm, I knew that they grew in the ground. I also knew that a whole plethora of “things” reside in the dirt. “Things” like earthworms, wireworms, flea beetles, potato tuber worm, and white grubs to name a few. My enthusiasm for these fries began to wane as my mind began speculating on why these were left unpeeled. Was it a “trendy” touch? Was it a time and cost saving thing? I wondered to myself that if it was the latter would they also skimp on the washing of the potatoes to clean ALL the foreign matter from the skins. Now eating a little dirt didn't bother me so much but thinking of the various grubs and worms that may have left their slime on the potato skins DID bother me. Surely you have surmised by now that I left the rest of my fries. <br /><br />Life has now been explained. See what you think. On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years. The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God said that it was good. <br /><br />On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God again said that it was good. <br /><br />On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. <br /><br />On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." <br /><br />So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. <br /><br />Some are demanding that police be retrained as a result of some violent outbursts around the country. So now let me see if I have this right! <br /><br />There's no guidance or discipline in the home. The family situation is so unstable, 'Junior' doesn't even know where or to whom to send a Father's Day card. Junior gets dumped into the education system where he is socially promoted because the overwhelmed school district can't deal with the undisciplined whelp. Junior's major formative influences are 'gangsta' rap videos and a corresponding peer group of gangsta wannabes. At age 18, Junior is turned loose on society carrying a bad attitude, a broken compass and little respect for authority. Junior gets himself in big trouble with the law and meets dire consequences. <br /><br />Then, the situation diagnosis is that the "police" need more training and understanding? Pardon me for asking, but do you really believe this? <br /><br />I am listening to Eric Clapton. “It was getting late; she's wondering what clothes to wear. She puts on her make-up and brushes her hair. And then she asks me, “Do I look all right?” And I say, “Yes, you look wonderful tonight.” We go to the party and everyone turns to see this beautiful lady that's walking around with me. And then she asks me, “Do you feel all right?” and I say, “Yes, I feel wonderful tonight.” I feel wonderful because I see the love light in your eyes. And the wonder of it all is that you just don't realize how much I love you.” Sorry folks, this was not an original thought. I excerpted it from Eric Clapton's song “Wonderful Tonight.” I had to share this with y’all. It is so cool. I am not a huge Clapton fan but this song and “Tears in Heaven” are wonderful. The “Tears” song was written after the tragic death of his son. It brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. <br /><br />There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch. <br /><br />If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!</span>Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4178032126500733666.post-83931315999191264922015-06-09T11:11:00.000-05:002015-06-09T11:11:33.166-05:00Drivel Over Coffee #264 6/9/2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. Benjamin Franklin </span></b></i></div>
<br />Welcome to Tuesday. This is week 3,819 on this earth for me. Really makes you feel old when you look at your age this way. Barney returned home on Friday. He was really glad to get home to his own digs. Max has been staying with Murphy to let Barney get adjusted a little. The docs recommended to keep them separated for a couple of weeks. Barney is making progress. Let's keep him in your prayers that he regains the full use of his rear legs. <br /><br />Is this a long day or what? This day is moving slower than a snail moving backwards on a turtle moving forwards. Politicians are like sperm. One in a million turn out to be an actual human being. Just sayin'. <br /><br />A few things that I learned at the movies. <br /><ul>
<li>During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. </li>
<li>All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. </li>
<li>All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. </li>
<li>The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. </li>
<li>The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. </li>
<li>A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. </li>
</ul>
That was about as useful as rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. <br /><br />Marriage is about sharing. I stopped to have lunch at Culver's a while back. Next to me were an old man and his wife. Apparently, the old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. <br /><br />He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. I was watching also needless to say. <br /><br />Obviously they were thinking, “That poor old couple—all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.” <br /><br />As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine—they were used to sharing everything. <br /><br />I noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. <br /><br />Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.” <br /><br />Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?” <br /><br />She answered, “The Teeth.” You could have knocked me over with a feather. <br /><br />Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it is probably shit. <br /><br />Only in England: Erect Man Out of Naked Bike Ride <br /><br />The World Naked Bike Ride, which is exactly what it sounds like, came to Kent, U.K., over the weekend, and the participants had barely got their kits off before organizers ejected a bloke for popping a stiffy. <br /><br />The Cambridge News got the story from a shocked witness: <br /><br />“Everyone was taking their clothes off to get ready for the ride. I heard gasps and I turned around - it was a horrible sight. It’s fair to say he was overexcited and got aroused. It looked like he was enjoying the event a bit too much. One of the organizers went over to him and told him to put his trousers on while speaking on a walkie-talkie to police.” <br /><br />“The man looked sheepish when he was spoken to by the police.” <br /><br />Race organizer Barry Freeman confirmed the incident on Facebook, writing “We do not accept this behavior and he was dealt with and removed before the ride started.” <br /><br />British participants in the World Naked Bike Ride, feel free to leave your trousers at home, but try not to show everyone and the Queen your bloody stonker. Quite. ….and a “stonker” is.....? <br /><br />Last week I had my larynx cancer follow-up at the VA. I failed to mention an incident that occurred while I was down there. I, actually, was a bit embarrassed since my current wife was with me. I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. Sue and I got in the “A” elevator. This young well represented lady entered the elevator at the last second. The car was full so she squeezed in right in front of me. I inadvertently was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did. I don't remember much after that. <br /><br />Did you know department. Wombats poo squares. The wombat's waste comes out in this weird square shape. No one's sure how, but it's useful for marking territory, as it doesn't roll away. <br /><br />Here's to all the people who remain unharmed because I have coffee and a sense of humor. Remember, there is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. <br /><br />If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Now, until we meet again. -TA!Doyce Baileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07775222461735432888noreply@blogger.com0